Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Life Blab #1

23,
                In these past several weeks I have not only been sick, laden with homework, but have also been occupied with fighting off the masses- not really I finally begged them enough and they shut up. Besides the fact that I’m feeling untypically nauseous, I shall write on. I’m actually really thankful for our many months break a while back because even as is at the moment, we are slow running out of stuff to blog about. I think we can make it until June though. We’ve decided to add a monthly “life blab” as we called it, with the remaining weeks spent with lessons or some kind of crap like that. My favorite thing to go over may always be the fringe concept of a relationship. It’s like you only hear about the most basic parts of relationships: Friends, dating, marriage. But no ever identifies what’s in between. Even the fringe phases have several satellite phases: phases like, pre-fringe, fringe, more friends with less of the “Yo we’re just buds” and more of the “no I guys I swear we aren’t dating whether you like it or not” phase. I’m sure there’s something in between the latter and dating but I’m not sure seeing as I’m not there yet. However, I can tell that for once in my life I’m clearly valued as a friend and it warms my heart know so. I haven’t always had friends that I could actually call my friends. In fact I rarely do. Right now, my actual friend count is at three, and that’s probably the highest it’s ever been. But I’m really happy with it. I don’t worry that they’re talking behind my back or insulting me or simply tolerating me…though it crosses my mind several times an hour, I just tell myself that I’m valued and need to stop worrying. I’m also still in shock that there is a person who enjoys my boisterous laugh, unusually low voice (at least for a woman) and oddly shaped nose. It makes me very happy. It makes me happy to know that I no longer have to question people’s motives, or wonder if everyone is the same way as most people I listen to talk. AND EVEN BETTER, lately I’ve been in the mood for shopping and every girl knows that that’s one of the best feelings in the world.
                So I’m gonna go online window-shop. Until next week!
-23



13,


Apart from accidentally kissing someone and being told, I’ll clean your coffee pot anytime” with suggestive eyebrows, my life has been pretty normal. Okay, not so normal :P but I try! Since getting into a special school (it’s like a job training/career building site) for special people I have been confronted with a lot of situations with brazen guys with apparently twitchy eyes. I got winked at 3 times, no joke, all in an hour while running students through their photo op paperwork. Although, that’s not the story I want to tell you (even though I did embarrassingly wink back at one of them by accident!). Story time!

I was going through the culinary class kitchen to ask for the coffee pot to be power washed, since someone left it full overnight (part of my job at this school is to run a coffee stand woo). I carefully weaved in between all the white tailored chefs in training and got a few not so friendly looks for getting in their way. I finally made it to the wash station and asked one of the students over the loud dishes whether he could wash my coffee pot or not. He sauntered the two inches between the sink and me (I don’t know how that happened) and he said, “I’ll wash your coffee pot”, with the most suggestive eyebrow arch I had ever seen. I kinda faltered in my thanks and waited by the counter. He asked me about where I was from and how my class was. He dried it off for me and handed it back with his hands purposefully lingering. He wished me a great day and added that I could come back to get my coffee pot washed anytime I needed it with a wink. I said a bright thanks and quickly turned around (I like running away from boys okay). I put a little more sway into my walk with my uniform heals and went out the door (might as well run away in style?). I’m pretty sure he was checking me out if the pan reflection was correct too :P Now, every time I see him I want to giggle because I keep thinking about what he said in his deep, manly voice, “I’ll clean your coffee pot anytime”. I am so mature as you can tell!

The other story is so awkward I can’t even write it out really! My heart was doing jumping jacks in my chest when it happened oh my goodness! It didn’t happen at school, thank God. It happened at an outing with some friends. He and I, who I haven’t known for too long, were sitting together in a car while we waited for the others. We were kinda squished close, which was okay since we both have had no personal space with each other since we met; he literally wrestled me for food during summer….another story for another time lol. Anyways, It was so simple too. I turned to ask what he said and he turned sideways to ask what and suddenly we were sharing some DNA! Once again, I shared a kiss that was not initiated by myself. One of these days, I am just going to smack someone on the lips so I can say, “Hey! I kissed someone!” I would really appreciate to initiate a kiss of my own accord someday. So, ending of the story, I think our red faces only calmed down after an hour and every time I think about it now my face does the thing too. Our relationship is cool still though :) We were both a little shocked, but I am okay and he is okay. He will probably tease me about in secret whispers forever and I’ll punch him numerous times for evidently no reason to outsiders, just like it’s supposed to be!

So, with most embarrassing moments shared, I say adieu to you lovelies who waited so patiently to hear from us :3,
    -13

Monday, September 23, 2013

Debut

             23,
I came here to rant. Me and only me. 

             I spent these past few weeks lying my ass off like the private little anti-social that I am. Since school started back up, it’s beginning to feel like I’m being pushed into some kind of “no questions off limits” kind of public debut. Six times in the past two weeks people have asked me about ‘us.’ The other day, after several minutes of patience, I honest to goodness had to ask my friend to “mind her own damn business.” I felt awfully bad for saying so, but I had no other option but to be brash. On a different note, I worry that my efforts for privacy will be taken literally and everything will burn away. This, I imagine, is what it feels like to be trapped in a corner.

                 It’s gotten to the point where everyone see’s it, questions are being asked behind your back, and you’re bathing in speculation, halfway enjoy the attention you’ve never received before, and half ay wishing you could pry the eyes off of your back. On the other hand, it’s kind of fun being talked about…in a good way (that’s the first time in my life). This doesn’t mean that I’m not lying about having work so I don’t have to attend a nosy friend’s birthday party. I have the choice to dull the rumors with a “No, we’re just friends.” Or do I throw a smirk onto my face and walk away, leaving everyone with a silent but unconfirmed “maybe.” My friends aren’t doing very good job of asking either. Instead of asking, they just go on ahead and assume that we’re dating. Unfortunately, word of mouth spreads like wildfire. In these past two weeks, I have learned that apparently I’m dating, which is weird, because last time I checked, I was not. All this talk and chatter just ruins what I have. You know, it’s only special when it’s something that only you know about. When strangers start to make generalizations, it takes away from the sentiment of the relationship. I have people whose names I don’t even know, talking to me, asking about our relationship like they were my best friend. And you want to know something else? He asked me to homecoming. He asked me to homecoming and I had to say ‘no, let’s find something else to do’ because I know for a fact that if we did go, I’d end up being harassed on a daily basis, and I can’t handle that kind of attention. All this talk is ruining it- how I see things. If this keeps up, I won’t even be slightly willing to date at all for the remainder of high school. I still love him to death and I appreciate him more than I appreciate my ability to eat five pounds of shrimp, but I can’t handle a public spectacle, not again. I miss summer. I miss having this to myself. I miss privacy. Remember how in a previous post I wrote “There is nothing more interesting to teenagers than who is about to start dating who.” It’s worse. It’s all eyes and all ears at all times. Nothing is more draining than a public debut. 

-23

Monday, September 16, 2013

Girls Will Be Girls (But That Doesn't Make Them Any Less Annoying)

  Evening ladies! Today 13 is going “el solo” :) 23 is drowning in higher class homework (the smart cookie). So, she will not be joining us sadly. Although, that leaves me a lot more room to talk about something I’ve been dying to tell you all. There’s this movie....



....and it’s FAN.TASMIC. I definitely recommend this movie if you’re a fan of coming of age stories and want a good laugh at young fears. It regales the confusion and excitement of being introduced to boys and puberty. Trust me when I say I was choking on my tea Saturday night at 12am because it reminded me so much of my own teenage hood!
"I already feel fed up with boys and I haven't had anything to do with them yet!"
        This movie opened my mind to thinking about how far I have come. I was thoroughly convinced to be more thankful for where I am today (oh the horrors of Sophmore year) and to give a little grace towards the younger girls who are now in my place. They look so stupid and young as I look at them now, in an aged perspective. It’s as if the wider the berth of my hips grow, the less tolerant I am of my younger kind! Not only have I got senioritus for school, but, for the people in it. It’s mainly focused on these face-painted, doe-eyed lovelies who can’t stop to say please. Pondering, quite cringingly, all the shenanigans I partook as an asset less stick of a girl though, I should really be kinder to them. I was like that once; raging pheromones and all! It was like getting a dose of medicine with a sweet taste of laughter to ease such down.

        I am definitely putting this movie in the “I gotta get over this crush it’s killing me” survival kit too because (spoilers) if a 14 year old can do it, so can 18 year old me *tough face*. I’ll probably watch it again about 3 more times before I ever get tired of their British accents. It was quite frankly hilarious to me, or that may just be my own delirious memory from last night. Either way, it’s one to check out ladies and gents ;)

        Moving on to real life, I just want to leave you with a tidbit of hoW MESSED UP MY HORMONES ARE RIGHT NOW. So I was waiting on my grandma to come back with Starbucks coffee in the car. I had the radio on and I was really starting to realize how old I was, with my 18th birthday coming up in 3 weeks. All of a sudden, this sad music came on. Side note, let me tell you how much of a sucker I am for sad piano anything. Anyways, the eyes started misting like my car windows and I wiped a tear away and realized....this isn’t just some sad music...*leans ear* This is a prostate exam commercial!! I WAS CRYING OVER MY AGE WHILE 105.3 WAS TRYING TO WARN ME OF BUTT DANGERS. WHAT THE WAFFLES. I am very confused how I was able to block the beginning words of that commercial to fit in my emotional fit. I guess I have a really good sense of separation and focus?????? It is downright one of those experiences I will privately remember forever and both cringe and laugh at.

Not knowing how to whimsically end this without sounding dorky, your solo writer, 13


Monday, September 9, 2013

I Hate You, I Love You Again

13,
                Lovelies, I have a problem. A big problem with douchebags. Especially, douchebags who intentionally lead us on. The rule of thumb is that we’re going to meet at least 1 of these in our life. They ruin our confidence, tear away our backbone, and shove false pretenses in our faces. There is no amount of Nutella to heal these woes. That torture truly messes with our heads, and in some cases, even with our bodies because we were convinced to do so much in their name. Whether it’s 2am texts every time they break up with their partner or blatant flirtation whenever you’re looking “better than usual”, an empty feeling settles within and every girl knows that moment when tears prick the eyes in a fleshly mock of a loneliness you didn’t know you had till then. I don’t care what kind of excuses these people have; they’re playing with hearts. It frustrates me to no end to see this happen to those close to me, or any other human being for that matter. It’s not cool. It’s a vicious act out of they’re own need for compensation and one poor soul is caught up in the middle of the grotesque show of humanity. No one can convince me there is a right reason to lead someone to believe you have the same romantic feelings for them as they for you. It’s disgusting and I wish I could avoid these people like the plague, but, most of us get caught up in at least one of these situations, so sadly the question to ask is not how we can avoid them, but how to combat them. No, it’s not to eat all the ice cream you have due to this disastrous flameout of a romance. You take care of yourself. You surround yourself with good friends, let them keep you accountable, and get into the motivation to IGNORE THE PRINCE CHARMING IMPOSTER. You deserve way better than someone who chases you on and off. You deserve way better than someone who’s only desire from you is a dance in the sheets, or your friend’s attention (that’s happened to me), and etc. Distract yourself from either the pain or the want with a practice of self-indulgence or charity. It works! And you may not want to mentally get away from that “oh so cute douchebag” right now because you’ve become so used to fawning over him, but trust me when i say it is better for you and it’ll open your eyes to seeing somebody far superior to the pompous jerk you’re falling for.
               - In love and with a loud frown from all this doucebaggery talk, 13

 (P.S - I enjoyed calling people out on their fluff and using douchebag so many times way too much.)




 
23,
                  Do you remember how much it hurts to be lied to? To be fed a promise and betrayed; to hate a person for what they have done, but to love a person simply because they are them. Being lead on, by lover or by friend, hurt horribly. It’s the worst kind of pain because no matter what they did to you, you naturally compare it to how they have treated you in the past. Even though you hate them for what they did, you love them for being a part of your life. This has happened to me on several occasions. I’ve had friends where they’d be wonderful, pleasant people, but one day they turn into some awful human being and all of the sudden you’re crying in a bathroom stall. But in terms of relationships, it’s so mu h worse. It hurts to be seeing one thing then told another. Sometimes I like to refer to those who lead others on as- not any form of foul language- but as shape shifters. I call them this because not only can they change personalities so quickly, but because nothing that is human would choose to put another human through so much pain and confusion. It’s awful because they drain you of your humanity, and you won’t even realize it until you begin to see the world as an awful place, and find yourself to be contributing to that same kind of awful that you were so unfairly exposed to. These people, man or woman; these shape shifters will drag you down to their level. They will cause you to hurt others in the way that they hurt you. You may crave equilibrium- revenge. And when you realize that the monster cannot damage the monster, that monster will try and damage an innocent. The cycle then repeats. However, there are those out there that are strong enough to deal with the consequences in a less harmful manner. It is the difference between quitting and survival. Two wrongs don’t make a right. A plane can fly on just one engine. You will regret staying to long with someone that you’ll soon forget. You must let go .This is the difference between heartbreak and revival.
                It is much like flying into Las Vegas- you find nothing more beautiful and promising than the bright, shiny lights of the strip. You were taken in by the spotlight. Your heart may as well be the money you’ll throw away at a casino. You know, you can always love, but you can’t always win.
                Unfortunately for those that become prey to the shape shifter and find them to be their first “love,” it will be so much harder for them to turn around and leave. They will spend their next year piecing their life back together. They have to deal with the nostalgia that comes along with their first ever crush. It is extremely hard to let them go. Some are able to completely demolish their feelings; others are not so lucky. My advice is to stop thinking about them- to completely remove them from your life. I say this because, hell, while you’re off running towards the joker, you don’t see the king waiting on your door step. Once you let go of the bad, you become open to the good- to the wonderful. I am living proof. Even the most hopeless people have hope…and I’ll say it again: You can’t catch what doesn’t want to be caught.
                If this sounds like you, sweetie, it’s time to run. It’s time to make your choice.
                                Do you quit or survive?
                                Heartbreak or revival?
                Your choice just made or broke your next relationship.
-23

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Fringe Broken Down

               I don’t remember if we ever took the time to give the actual definition of a fringe relationship. A fringe relationship is initially when both subjects are not necessarily single, nor are they necessarily dating…it’s basically a relationship in a Venn diagram. We call it ‘fringe’ because you are on the very edge of being single, and you are also on the very edge of dating.  Though seemingly simple, a fringe relationship is one of the best and most miserable things you will ever experience. Not just because of the constant tension between to two participants, but because of the word of mouth…and let me tell you, nothing is more interesting to teenagers than who is about to start dating who. Once people hear about you spending unusual amounts of time with one person of the opposite gender you may as well be the town celebrity. You will be asked prying questions. You will get looks. You will be told that “oh, but I thought that they liked…” And the only part that is worse than the social buzz created by your peers, is the protective instinct that every woman is “blessed” with at birth. The fringe relationship will make sure that you feel like there is a safety net under the tightrope that you are walking. Guess what? There is no safety net. Because nothing is set in stone, there is no guarantee that your counterpart will stay…however, even though you make sure to acknowledge this lovely fact of fringe, when the time does come that the other starts to pull away, even the idea of it cuts you like a knife. And it hurts this way because you know that the two of you willingly got as close as you possibly could. It is because in every time you reunite with one another, you are praying for something more; maybe they’ll put their arm around me; maybe I’ll get a hand on my shoulder. You have to forcibly tell yourself not to lean your head on their shoulder. You have to keep yourself from telling them how much you appreciate them. You have to force your mind not to think about them, simply so you can fall asleep. I can assure you, that being there, right next to someone who you can just feel loves you, is the most comforting thing in the world; when you can hear the words they want to say, when you can almost read their thoughts…The first blow to this fortress is when you can no longer sense what they are thinking, no matter how close you are to one another. Then they kind of stop making contact with you and you’re left there wondering what you did wrong…I assure you, you have done nothing wrong…sometimes feelings fade away.  I think the worst thing possible would be to find out that you were the replacement while they were waiting for their first flame, or crush or whatever, to become available again. The worst part about a fringe relationship is that the other party is free to leave and you have to act like there was nothing more. You have to act happy when you see that they finally started a serious relationship with someone. Sometimes the hardest part is having to let go, even if everything they did promised “I love you.” Unfortunately, as human beings, we have to face this kind of event one way or another. The fringe phase is when you are searching; when you are learning about the people worth living for; you’ll learn to be open, and you’ll learn to live without the people that you cared about the most. Just remind yourself that life is not a Hollywood movie.  Do not go up to them and pour out all of the feelings you have been repressing. You will be left looking like a fool, kicking yourself for being such an idiot, singing “but you’re the only one that leaves too soon, and I would fall for you.”
                Unfortunately, for any of those who wish to get married, or find any romantic relationship at all, must pass through the fringe phase. Just remember that each heart break is one more step in the right direction. And no matter what happens to you, you must tell yourself that you are 100 proof.

-23

                

Monday, August 26, 2013

The Good, The Bad, and The Crazy: Pros and Cons of Dating in Your Senior Year

              
Pros
                Evening, lovelies! Apart from grieving over, quite literally, spilled milk from my cereal bowl tonight, I have had a pretty good couple of days leading up to this sit down with you :) While recovering from my family vacation and spending 2 lazy days yesterday and today being as immobile as I could so I wouldn’t have to talk to people, I came across a blog that made my internal English literary squeal. Their poetry got under my skin and planted such beautiful, contemplative thoughts. The words gave me an optimistic view on life that I hadn’t had for a while. Many things have been making me sad lately, and I really needed a spa day for my brain. This find added to the long hours of body vegetation I took to let my mind reboot and get prepared to be a youth leader again. To explain; I took an unexpected 2 week sabbatical from the job and it was a needed break. I had been becoming an absolute bore, with a flimsy package of deep thoughts. I used to be so deep when the opportunity came, and it was like my deep thoughts were a root beer, and when the bottle was open for too long, I fizzled out. I really had to step back and remember what was important, and what I had been doing with my life to keep me from being my usual Socrates self. I like helping people is the thing, and I just wasn’t doing that.
                With the attitude change I have grasped, 23 asked me to do a little anecdote on the +positive+ points of accepting a long-distance relationship, and making the commitments that accompany it. Here we go?
                This experience will tell you whether he’s the one for you or not.
How both of you follow the guidelines you’ve set collectively and how willing you are to keep the promises you gave to each other will surely present a clear answer of if you love each other or not.
                If there isn’t a better test of a relationship, wow!
                You’re not just asking your partner to “only look at you”, but to pretty much go cold turkey from physical or emotionally romantic contact with the opposite sex for however many months, until a break comes along to reunite. If both of you stay true to that, then heck why aren’t you saying I love you and getting married?(...in your own time of course)
                Knowing there is someone who is willing to wait for you feels pretty good :)
Living far away from each other will give you a good perspective of what you think of the relationship without having to cause a dramatic breakup to do so. Like Frank Ocean once tweeted, “Distance sometimes lets you know who’s worth keeping and who’s worth letting go”.
                Getting your life together before you let someone fully into your life isn’t as bad of a cliché as you might think. Yet, when you know he’s the one, he’s the one. How do you figure that problem out? Long distance relationship of course!
                It’s the answer to that question, among others, believe it or not! Girls, we make ourselves think we have it all together, but, we don’t right now! Getting a good education and deciding what you want to do with your life before you get all lovey dovey with your sweets will guarantee you’re making a better decision for your life, not his. It’s important that you create a lifestyle for yourself, before co-depending on someone who may or may not be the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Plus, it’s way more attractive to guys when you have your own goals, and your own life.
                Lastly, as much as long-distance relationships may be tough, the moments of reuniting and giving a careful cultivation to a relationship you probably wouldn’t have given such attention to had you not been in that situation, are the best and most treasured moments a couple can experience. Take it from my aunt and uncle who lasted 4 years apart, literally mountains away, only to be married 3 years after that (what took so long?) and favoring that test in life than none at all. They told me if potential love exists between two people, it’s only to be dug up by struggle and determination.
                As much as I’d like to go on and on about fluffy love stories that turned out and how tests of love triumph, I understand it doesn’t work out the right way all the time. Separation can cause lack luster feelings and unprecedented betrayals, but, give yourself the moment to think about the fact that if that’s what came out of a distance trouble, what would come out of their hearts when something bigger happened? Wouldn’t you rather have their true character come out then than while you’re tied in deeper with them?
                                Leaving you with thought prompts too deep for this Monday evening,

                                                                                                                                -13

 Cons
                I could write forever about the negatives to dating in your senior year of high school (but not as much as 13)…really it’s simply based on if the parties involved are traveling out of state for college. I’m sure that there are plenty readers hoping to go to an out of state college, so this pessimistic, negative, “heartwarming” post goes out to those that have chosen to board the ship bound for a new land.  Dating in high school is already complicated enough (yes, 13 and I SWEAR that that is the reason to our being single these whole four years). It becomes even more complicated when you have other important tasks to focus on: the senior project; test scores; passing classes; getting into a college (cue panic attack)…really fun stuff like that. On top of that, if you ARE making the insane idea of dating an actual thing in your life, then you have to worry about finding the free time in your schedule (between work and studies and crap) to remind this person why they decided to love you. Believe me, that is a lot on one plate and it takes quite the stomach to be able to finish off the whole meal. So, if you are like me and hold no ability whatsoever to multitask, dating in your senior year of high school may not be the best idea. An again, if you are like me and told this to yourself over and over about a thousand times and STILL ignored your better mind, then you too are also going to have to one day face the music of the sad goodbye songs you listen to as you begin your five day journey down the interstates of the country. ALSO ALSO ALSO; what do you do for a long distance relationship? When in college will you find time between classes and homework, and work to Skype or anything? The most productive thing I think I could do would be to worry myself to sleep about them going off and finding someone else while I sit around and deny every male form of a species that choose to throw themselves at me...
                I’m honestly not this pessimistic. We assigned pros and cons to each other so the post doesn’t read like a broken record.
                 Clearly, the pros outweigh the cons here, so don't listen to me. If you think you hold the ability to maintain a relationship from a thousand miles away, don't stop believing. Whats meant to be will always find a way.
                Well, seeing as I have made many bad decisions that will strongly effect my emotional state, I’m just going to go get it over with and drown myself in the lemon bars I made solely for the purpose of absorbing my tears.



                -23

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Maybe Talking Shouldn't Exist...

               
23,

          So I have a friend…and she just got her first phone…and she likes to ask questions about Montana (I’m changing the name again). So, two days in a row now, I have been asked and grilled about who this person is. I’m very big on personal privacy, so no names mentioned, but she guessed it right. I didn’t want to create a fuss or subject my human to any unwanted attention. I didn’t give anything I away, I just kept telling her that certain aspects of my personal life are none of her business. My point is, there is a certain point in any relationship that people will begin to speculate and put the pieces together. You cannot escape it. Personally, it may be because I’ve spent the majority of this week with Montana. Though, for our social lives sake, we don’t mention any time we spend together, I guess everyone can just kind of tell that we have a stronger connection than with the rest of the group. I know for a fact that people are starting to realize that something is up. I’m not ashamed of having Montana with me or anything at all…in fact, it brings me an overwhelming amount of joy. I just like to keep these deeper aspects of my life to myself. You guys, there is nothing that should be valued more in a relationship than personal space, whether it by physical of social. It’s just the respectful thing to do. Like, if the person is not talking to you about the subject, then do not ask them about it because they are clearly not comfortable talking about it with you. I don’t care who you heard it from, I don’t care if you just sensed it or some kind of crap like that, but if they don’t tell you, don’t ask them about it. I don’t care if it’s driving you absolutely out of your mind…and if it is, I’m sorry to say, but you need a life outside of focusing on someone else’s…don’t ask about it. In this case, yes I am addressing a problem I am currently experiencing.

                Here’s something else…this should be typical girl code: when you have a friend in the fringe phase, or any phase at all, do not act like you absolutely know what you are doing if you’ve had other relationships. If your advice is wanted, it will be asked for. Also, do not try and taint a friend’s relationship. Do not air hump in front of them when they are eating together (yes, again I am speaking from personal experience). It puts both people in an awkward position, and you come off as a rude, jack ass…which, if you do do that to a well-rounded, beautiful relationship, then you are a rude jackass. (Yes, I am speaking of one friend in particular, but since I’m already irritated-) Just because you can’t maintain a stable, wonderful relationship, does not mean that you should try and sabotage someone else’s-Especially if they are a friend.
                Okay, so I’ll try an uplifting post since we seem to have not provided one in a week or so. (:
                -23

                13,
                I can’t believe summer is nearly over. It baffles me how fast it went. I experienced a lot, including finally finding what my career might be (spoilers). I also was hit on 6 times over the last 3 sunny months :) It was exhilarating and panic causing all at the same time! It never happens so this was a memorable summer. Thanks to this blog, I have somewhere to share these experiences. I’ll share the first time it happened, which was in Starbucks. I was ordering some complicated drink for a friend of mine and pronounced something badly because of his beautifulness. I’m not talking little slip-up, I mean it turned into a ‘asdfghjkl’ across my tongue kind of bad! In my embarrassment, I quickly said, “Oh f*** it. Give me a plain, simple Americano please!”  As soon as that left my mouth I probably turned a good shade of red. Surprisingly, the attractive barista laughed at me and said, “Don’t worry, I work here and I can’t even pronounce them that easy.”
               I giggled at that and ordered my own drink. He asked if I was from around here and I answered yes. He went to making my drink himself while another employee covered the register. He continued to chat with me about the woes of having complicated customers and their long explained “fru-fru drinks”, as I referred to them (he loved my vocabulary?). I quickly warmed up to him and how bashful he seemed. He finished my friend’s drink and took a little longer on mine. Once he topped the drinks, he pushed them towards me with a too long hand linger on where I was trying to put my own hand. I thanked him, left the cafe, and plopped into the chairs outside. I turned my cup over while conversing, and found messy sharpie writing on the side......wait for it.....it read, “For the anti-lingual beauty ;)” .........*covers face with anything in reach* I was flabbergasted! Never have I seen such a brave, yet gentlemanly act come to pass like that. Oh my goodness. Small to say it was something I’ll never forget. He certainly impressed me, and yes, I come back to that Starbucks all the time hoping to catch him on his shift :D I don’t even know his name, but, I’m imagining our marriage certificate now *dreamy look* *23 punches 13* Oh, yah *ahem* Sorry. So, in all my worries of turning boys away by my awkward nature, this uplifted my self-esteem quite a lot :) Sometimes it just takes the right color of paper to highlight the betterments of a certain color of crayon. He became the black paper to my white crayon is what I’m saying. Guys like that who push through the uncomfortable air and dive in to see your personality are gems. Anyone, as a matter of fact, that’s like that is.
                Maybe this is a bit off topic from 23’s awesome rant, but it’s a happy anecdote to those who know the balance between pursuing and stalking. It’s a book mark on a joyous moment in my life that I know can happen to anyone. It was just my time in this story though ;)

                Happy trails and best wishes to facing hot baristas (cuz I know your pain now),


                13

Monday, August 12, 2013

Crossing The Line...

23,
                So I’m sure as any fellow Christians reading this blog will understand, it is a big ass no no to date and/or pursue a future life with a non-believer. It (Spiritual belief system) is not only one of the massive contributors to one of the many topics that will set off a social hell fire storm, and the main cause of the many spats throughout history, but it is also the deepest way in which two people can bond. Seeing two different directions on this kind of matter can not only tear apart the relationship, but it can also distort your own personal belief system, thus subtly chipping away at your spiritual safety. We, as Christians, have great faith that God has someone out there planned for each person specifically. I realize that we always assume that the person you are meant to be with will be in agreement with you on these deeper levels…but what if the one God has planned for you is not a believer? What happens then? You chase it and you chase it, going through heart ache after heart ache, only to find the end of the road the one person you have spent so much time searching for, only to have it occur to you that they are missing a key piece of themselves. They are, initially, a trigger happy human, standing there holding the barrel to their head. You have no guarantee they will continue to live, as long as that barrel is pressed up against their head. However, as you try to explain to them that they are in danger, they believe that they are still in control of the trigger, though they are not. It is undeniably the most impossible task; to talk to them and get them to put the gun down. It would not do the situation justice to compare to walking on glass or eggshells or hot coals. There is no description that would rationalize the feelings that one will suffer from when thrown into this life or death situation. You just kind of want to walk over there, grab the gun, hit them over the head with it, and ask them if they really are as irrevocably stupid as they’re acting. Sometimes you find people who are like that, and you wish to repay them in term of the kindness that they showed you. Sometimes, you may feel as if you must travel through life with this person to make sure they don’t pick that gun back up. You wish to keep them safe, even if it means that on occasion, you have to struggle with them to pull the gun away. Maybe, God did not put them into your life to benefit you, but He out you in their life, so as to give the kind hearted, innocent human being a chance at a beautiful life…and one even more so, not on earth.
                ……..Not that any of this reflects on anything personal…just though we should touch on this topic, seeing as we haven’t yet……..
                I’m not quite sure how to follow up on that, so I’m gonna hand you guys over to 13’s more uplifting post…


13,
                Morning ladies :) I think there’s a lot of pressure on the Christian ladies of our society. Shout out to my Christian lovelies because a lot of us are unfairly held to a higher standard than the nice atheist girl standing next to us. If you’re dedicatedly religious and look the part, you’re expected to make wise decisions with relationships and possibly only date one man before you marry. Whether from family or friends or the church, there’s this pressure to be the example of a ‘godly woman’; Although, does having very little dating experience make you godly? Or visa versa? (*whispers* the answer’s no!) At the same time, I have experienced situations where people think I have all the answers because I’m “Christian”. Did you know my favorite song is called “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off”? Yah, bet you didn’t know that from my precious flowery exterior. Take away: looks are deceiving and so are labels. It is unfair to consider the disciples of the All-Knowing God to be “all-knowing”. I’m not saying I don’t give good advice, but I should not be looked as the one representation of good dating skills *23 laughs hysterically because that is so true* There’s a reason why we’re called disciples in our religion. We’re human, therefore we’re certainly not perfect, we make mistakes, get angry and cry over the silliest things, and ARE TEENAGE GIRLS; just like those we walk with in the school hallway. That’s a concept the older generation just cannot get. Don’t they remember what it was like to be an adolescent? 23 and I may have it more together than other girls our age, but that doesn’t mean we’re the example of Christian dating. That doesn’t mean we can’t make mistakes and get too caught up in cloud 9.

                Now that we got that expressed, someone in the world needs to hear about what Christian dating even is. Christian dating is more focused on what God has planned for you. It’s a super personalized idea usually and you won’t find a true Christian with the same concept as another. Some really don’t date because they believe God has someone already picked out that will come their way. Some feel free to put themselves out there and date other Christians. There’s also no shame in dating someone who isn’t Christian (it’s just unbeneficial for the relationship because you’ll eventually clash). There are a few standards that I think the general Christian girl can agree on though. Ready for a list?

                We desire someone with “similar beliefs” on up to “on fire for Jesus” like some of us someone who brings you closer to God than himself
someone who’s good looking in your eyes
someone who’s honest and compassionate
someone who gets along with family and friends
someone who encourages you to show your better qualities
someone who you can depend on
someone who makes you laugh
someone who’s monogamous (it’s an individual desire and some girls don’t care as long as they’re the last!)

                Every girl has specifics like sharing his tomatoes with you or sliding the extra fries over because he knows you love them. It’s all pretty specific, but, Christian dating is all about letting a higher power guide the relationship and depending on slow burgeoning to strengthen the relationship before moving forward. If you can’t tell already, yes, us Christian gals are a little more hard to get to and we pack a punch if you try anything sneaky. It’s all in good thought though. We value ourselves; therefore we want to protect our own hearts. We don’t want to mess up ourselves and have a bunch of baggage come the time we find someone we click with. Even nonreligious ladies have that together, but for some reason you don’t see it that often :( In conclusion, there are lessons and good tips we’ve learned from our Christian mothers which has brought us through high school without completely messing up :P but at the same time we get pressures from a lot of people to make the right choice, whatever that is! Christian dating is a hassle, and I’d rather find my own way with it. I know in most cases the people who so dearly care for me just don’t know how to express “be careful” without seeming controlling, but I still feel that icky feeling and almost hide from dating. It’s a downward spiral! Nonetheless, I WILL find my own way with dating, and no one should be telling me how to do it but Jesus. He’s kind of a romantic anyway, so I don’t mind ;) As encouragement to all of you, whether you’re a part of a church or not, define dating by your own thoughts and not anyone else’s or by a silly doctrine. Dating is about you and another person, not the whole world or the whole church. Be strong in your beliefs, whether they can be categorized or not. Be as mentally resilient as your nether region, okay?! Alright, I should stop :P

Adieu and many other wishful goodbyes till next week,
13


Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Too Many Questions Asked

Do I dare start off talking about the gruesome family reunion I just returned from? Or do I rant about my mother going around mentioning my fringe status, giving her best suggestive face to all of my relatives, then watching me get interrogated about every aspect of this fringe thing?
                So, as you can see, I’m a little roused up because of this. So being that this is a problem I had not yet encountered and now have, I am hopefully going to supply you readers (if there are any left after out little two wee long brain fart) with the advice you need to answer these questions  if the occasion were to ever happen to thee. I’ll start off with the questions I was asked on an hourly basis:
                Question #1: “So I hear you have a male friend…and you guys are close?”
                -What you are thinking: ‘What, can I not have a male friend? Why is it so hard for some people to understand that guys and girls can just be friends? I mean, we aren’t, but still…’
                -What you should say: “Yes. I have a male friend. We enjoy each-others company.”
                Question #2: “So are you guys dating or what?”
                -What you are thinking: ‘ARE WE DATING?! WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME THESE THINGS FOR HOLY $#!% THIS IS AWKWARD!!!!!’
                -What you should say: “Nope, just friends.”
                Question #3: ‘Well, do you like them? Like, would you date them in the near future?”
                -What you are thinking: ‘Oh you lil’ $#!%. You are adamant.”
                -What you should say: “I guess we’ll see.”
NOTE: If you wish to end the conversation, just give short simple answers. This will relay to your interrogator that you do not wish to talk about such a thing.
Usually by the third question they wear out. That’s all they’ll get from you. They may ask for a name, IF your big mouthed mother did not already tell them. For now, this is about as much as I can give for advice…at least on this subject. Unfortunately, as a teenager, your parents will be all up in your business when you have male friends. In severe cases, your relatives will also. But this doesn’t just happen at home. You will always be asked if you have a boyfriend or some sort of significant person in your life, and people will always pry the details from your mind. In the world of love, there is no privacy.
                I do feel as if I owe you guys an update on my life (speaking of minding one’s own business, here we are blabbing about our love lives on the internet). I completely forgot our mission of the blog. The more I look at it, the more it seems that the idea has evolved. At first, we decided we just wanted to challenge ourselves and find a boyfriend by gradation and document our “success.”  But throughout our time, it’s become so much more. We’re going off about outer reactions from family and friends, people judging our young relationships, overcoming awkwardness, and all this other fun stuff. In this two years’ time, I personally have gone through the washing machine a time or two. I liked someone, I gave myself false hope, I cried, I got over it, life returned to normal, I met a new person, we became friends, we both developed feelings for one another, we got really close, we entered fringe…FRINGE IS THE LONGEST TERM IN RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT. I SWEAR. Though, I personally think that we both subconsciously are deciding not to date because of college and I’m moving 2,000 miles away and junk. I’m not even sure how to start with that stuff. Long distance relationships sound SOOOOOO complicated. But he’s always saying that he’ll find a way to get at me so I’ll get mad and come back from 2,000 miles away to seek my revenge (as a joke). Like, I thought he wasn’t even paying attention and junk when I was talking about my college plan, but I guess he was. So remember when I was like “I don’t really want to get all close because that’s just an anchor here and I won’t be able to leave.”? YOU GUYS. I COMPLETELY IGNORED MYSELF. ..okay so I just read over our last posts and I don’t think I ever said that, but I thinking about it! I think what changed my mind was when I was at work, back aching, tired, like 4pm, and I hear the bell ring to signal someone walking in. Without looking, and by habit now, I gave my usual “Hello, how are you?” Then I look up, and here is my human, with a coffee. They don’t even drink coffee, but they made it perfectly and I almost cried. Like, you guys. I can’t even. Coffee is my life. It was at that point that I was just like “you are the best person ever.” But inside my mind I was all ‘sjzhfjsdhf9whaefbkdcbiuvhosduhfo;sjefsdvuhaOHyywaRWABLKGASYUDTKUKDSGLISGDFKJSKDFGK!!!’
                So, as you can see, he’s making it rather hard for me to consider leaving this county for the Midwest. It makes me rather sad already. But I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. I guess we’ll see what happens when the time comes. I suppose it’s the best choice. If I wanted to avoid being a bit hurt, I’d have to just syphon off contact. Had I done that I would have missed out on so much wonderful. My reasoning now is gosh darn it, if it’s going to hurt, it better hurt like hell. The good part is that I’ll get to come back between semesters and stuff. I don’t even know if it will last. Oh well. So, that is all I have for tonight. Until next week!

                -23

Monday, July 22, 2013

We Have No Clue What To Title This...

13,                

               Love makes you value yourself. You value the opinion of others naturally, and when one person takes the time to say how wonderful you are or describe why they like holding your hand so much, you start to open that dirty window that overlooks the backyard. You choose to sit down at the edge of it and value the view, see what you’ve grown over the years in that hidden garden behind your house. Let me set a picture for you. You have built a house that everyone on the street sees. It’s a perspective you’re comfortable with them seeing. Then, someone comes along that you allow inside by some crazy notion. They see the rusting sinks and frayed rugs on the floor, among the chandeliers you tried so hard to hang and the dustless countertops you religiously wiped. Even with those flaws among the sparkle, they consider the whole house a home they could live with. You come to find out any home is an imperfect comfort. Society is who gives the impression that a house has to be pristine and swiped with clean fashion. That is such a lie. When you find someone to share homes with, they also have those rotting walls or barely shackled roofs. Those things fade to background though when we discover people’s gardens. The multiple plants of kindness, grace, and humor are sweetly spread and outcast the structure rested beside it. Love makes one look at the beauty past the walls. It gives an opportunity for anyone’s dirty window to be used and you to enjoy lilies from their window, or vice versa. In one instance, they might point out your window some flowers you never saw before, and maybe it’ll be your first time looking, having been so distracted reroofing and painting the house for guests. So, love makes you value yourself, and you come to enjoy what you didn’t know about yourself. I hope everyone of you experience that joy, even if you cough a little on the dust, because it’s worth holding hands with a partner and looking at what you’ve become. And the only thing better than that is giving the same service in return; holding them while pointing out their own beauty.

                Big lesson, choose someone who makes you a better person, and highlights your beauty. Choose a dude who could poop at your cool (I can’t stop laughing help it’s not even that funny). No I’m not high. This has very high importance though. READ IT AGAIN. Choose a guy who puts you on a pedestal. No, that doesn’t mean they have to be stalking you. It means they think about you just as much as you think about Gosling’s bum (insert Scarlet Johannsen if you’re a guy). Whether you think you’re made of Adam’s ribs or blown up stars, you are worth meaning the world to someone. Don’t settle with someone’s who’s “into” you. Settle with a human being who can see your intricacy and still want morning breath kisses from you (eww or aww; I can’t decide). I could say so much more on this subject, but I think I covered the basics. Go out into the world, ready to be real with yourself and open to good people. Don’t get scared to reveal your flaws, because the other person is just as scared that you’re too perfect for them.


   - 13



23,

             I’d just like to take this moment to clarify that I’m writing this while sprawled out on my bed, spacing out at the television in ten minute intervals, and slowly cursing my laptop, being that it’s old, slow, and I’ll type a whole sentence before it transfers to the actual document. Now that July is almost over, I’m re-entering that state of mind where any aspect of my personal life is my business only. After all, I am entitled to my privacy. So, just assume that any lesson that I throw out on this blog has nothing to do with my personal life, but rather, it hit me as a random epiphany in the middle of the night- speaking of which, I have experienced none in the past weeks. I did at one point, after listening to friend after friend complain about their “relationships” or past “relationships,” that I thought to myself, “You know, after a given amount of time, if you’re still complaining about someone, then they aren’t the problem, but you are.” I only thought this because, so help me, if I have to hear one more “poor me, pity me” story about how some hormonal, delusional, indecisive, moody teenage girl didn’t find her “happy ending” with “the man of her dreams” in high school, I will literally murder my social life. And as if I have good advice for that kind of thing. I’m happier than a sunflower in Kansas. Nothing is wrong right now.
                I guess, since I just got a head start, I can rant about dating fantasies? Maybe? I should have worked on this earlier…
                You know what bothers me more than the girls who go around complaining about every failure in their love lives? I just can’t stand that real cutesy, romantic stuff…where the guy is always buying flowers, and chocolate, and crap like that. It just never comes off as a real relationship. It rubs off on me as if it’s all some kind of show…especially in high school. Seriously, if any guy ever uses any kind of cheesy, romantic crap with me, I will leave his ass faster than a meal from Taco Bell. Girls our age are always looking to make a spectacle; in one way or another. I guess, in a way, 13 and I have too. We started this blog. I doubt a bunch of people from school read it, but it’s fun to think that people do. And 13 and I aren’t like super popular or anything. In a way, we’re both kind of rejects; Me more so. I never really felt like I was another piece of the puzzle anywhere. Then, after so many years of having maybe two friends total, I find this person; just one person, and all of the sudden, I feel as if I found my place. I’ve done enough research for this blog, and through past, horrific experience, to learn that when someone likes you, they look past every fault. It’s like an invisibility cloak for your personality…until they learn that you are an avid snorter when you laugh. When you find someone who finds your snorting a plus in the personality column, I guess it’s a really good thing.

                I’m not sure what you’d call this post, but at least I wrote something. Until next weekend!
                                -23

Sunday, July 14, 2013

A Benign Pie


Welp, you can say goodbye to Jensen Ackles. We talked it over and decided life is too crazy to date now. The "FRINGE" phase has come to a close. I could be gone to a foreign country in the next year or two and he could be continuing his education someplace out of Washington. I’d like to say we’d be willing to handle the distance and further whatever we have, but we’re not in love. We could certainly live without eachother. The expectations of “relationship” seems too high on either end too. We’re both pretty serious daters (what was that I said about casually dating? Yah, can’t do it!!) and do not want to limit eachother. We’ve had a wonderful few months together, and that certainly won’t end, but there’s no wow factor. There’s no romantic glue holding us together. Friendship was agreed to and it kinda made me release a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Sure, the excitement and discovery was great, but there’s no saying I can’t get that through friendship with him. The label of “dating” only gave me pressure to be ‘normal’ and we both felt it. From the time we left our 5th date, we both agreed to be honest and accept eachother’s weirdness. Like I said in the last post, I did not feel like I could be relaxed around him. I didn’t get an easy vibe when we hung out except when we were deep in intellectual conversation. He has really nice qualities and I wouldn’t trade his brain out for a sense of humor, but there were things I know couldn’t be learned that I wanted my boyfriend to be. He will probably fit perfectly with someone similar to me, but something’s just not fitting with us.....I’m still unparticular about what it is, but at least I know the conclusion. I was pretty devastated, never thinking I could be the “breaker”, but I later settled into a sense of pride and gladness that I broke it off when I got a gut feeling. Lesson from the experience, trust your gut. I was starting to sympathize more than affectionize when I had to answer him for a date. Even if it seems rediculous, if you just wait, you’ll start to notice what your gut is talking about and things will go better than if you didn’t.
Even though I was shaking the entire time, the break-up didn’t go that bad. We met in the middle with positive feedback and quite a lot of hand holding I might add! We were both so nervous I held tightly to his hands over the table and kept eye contact. I truly believe the eyes are the windows to your soul, so it gave me an edge to telling where to steer the conversation and whether to give him a moment to speak. To be completely honest, I thought I would either cry or make him cry. I didn’t know what would happen. It was worth it though. We still held hands till he took me to my car. I fiddled with my keys and took a big breath. Before I could say goodbye he blurted out, “Hey, even though I don’t love you, I still love you. I love that, yes, that smile and your caring hands. That probably sounds weird....you never ceased to take care of my *he laughs* “squishy muscle”, as you put it, and...I don’t know just come here *hugs* Now don’t tell any of the girls at work about this; I’m supposed to be the ‘ruggedly handsome but unapproachable guy’ remember?”. I then proceeded to die from his smirk and hugged him again, but tighter. I thanked him a million times over for being so understanding and he could only smile ^^ Bleehhh I’m getting all squirmy and giggly just thinking about this! So, it ended well (okay it went fantastic don’t give me that look) and I guess I picked a pretty good guy didn’t I?!! But just not the one for me....which was a bittersweet moment to experience and hurt like hell. The pros to my decision are over reaching though. We have the freedom to really get to know eachother without a label pressuring us to be closer. I was never more thankful for my grandma, God, and decision skills to get to that point. I can call him any time and expect an honest answer whether he wants to hang out, and he can expect the same from me. We can be as weird as we want and know the friendship is permanent, versus worry that we don’t fit the “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” list. 
I can settle with what I have. I am so thankful for who has decided to stay in my life. I am trying my best not to be selfish and be aware that life will take us apart eventually and I gotta take advantage of what time we have. We can fight against the tides, or protect ourselves and roll with it easily. Don’t misunderstand, I still say screw you destiny I’ll make my own, but if my life and his is going to be so unstable, then we really shouldn’t jump into something that takes steady lifestyles. It’s a hard situation and a disapointing outcome, believe me. I have inwardly cried and kicked enough for both of us, but I will settle down into this friendship. I won’t give up on the all big endeavor to find a boyfriend just because this didn’t work out either. There will definitely be more stories to tell and laughs to be had about my embarrasing situations. (Oh do I have some involving Jensen Ackles stories) I’ll leave you tonight with a simple thought that should make you smile.

Serious relationships are like pie. Not everyone enjoys them. They’re messy to eat, and they’re full of sugar you don’t need. And sometimes they take a long time to bake. Still, they have a value that’s irreplaceable. They make you smile and sometimes even giggle. They give you moments of bliss, and maybe there’s sour spots with your slice, but that just gives the pie its unique character. Pie is a combination of ingrediants and there’s more recipes than you can count, but not just one is perfect. Each one has flaws and stems or leaves that you forgot to take out, but you’ll like it anyways. You take each slice with a dollup of patience. And even if it gets on your shirt, you’ll forgive it because its a once in a while thing you don’t get to have very often. It may even get unhealthy to eat at one point, but you’ll still eat it because you’re craving what it first felt like on your tongue when you bit into the first fork-full. It will never be like that first experience though. Sometimes, you’re just going to have to leave the plate empty to respect yourself and the memory. And sometimes, you’ll decide to excercise enough so you can have it once again, but this time choose a different filling that doesn’t have so many calories. It will take effort to change your taste, but you’ll get used to it like any other food. It can be special like its pedecessor if you let it be. And in any way you experience it, pie is pie. Pie can’t betray you, only the cook. The cooks are who are responsible. Just one pie doesn’t define the rest still, and you have the right dislike it as a whole. Maybe you like cake. That’s okay. It exists around you though and if you’re like most of the population, you’ll crave it. That’s also okay. You are meant to enjoy it. At one point in your life, you’ll deal with it and you’ll have the right to choose seconds, refuse any at all, or just push it over to someone else who’d enjoy it more. Serious relationships are like pie, and you have choices to make while their in the oven or not invest in them at all. You can either take chances with it or never get better at making them. It’s an art that no one’s mastered, except maybe the old grandmas. Their a treat to be had. No one should go without trying.
I have no idea how to end this so I’ll just stop the flow with saying I’m wondering if any of you will be as hungry for pie as I am right now once you read this :P Goodbye for now ladies! I hope you get some pie this week or something sweet to enjoy your summer :3 Wear that sunscreen too! Bye!!

                                                                              - 13

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Rattled

13:
Dear ladies,

I’m here today coming to you with a mixed connotation on guys, boys, men; whatever you want to call them! In my humble opinion, some are pigs and some are sweets, and unfortunately for us they’re just placed in the wrong bodies. I have met some frankly beautiful guys, but they’ve been rotten. I have also met some kind, amazing hearted guys who’ve gotten the short stick in physique. I just wish what you are on the inside reflected on the outside just as much as bad oral hygiene shows. I am getting to a point where I don’t care if someone has buck teeth or one less limb (unless it’s you know what because that may become a problem). If they have a heart for God and a well-rounded personality then come here and let me give you a talk; we’re going on a date. No I didn’t need your answer, here’s my address.
I am fed up with disappointments and bummers like when an attractive male came up to me and after I gave him a look and gave me the lip between the fingers sign (someone tell me what that’s actually called). THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME. I was just shocked. Then I was angry, but couldn’t punch the guy in the face like you and I wanted to because he had already gone around a corner in Seattle. Ugugaahshkhdsdgjhsaghrgg this world sucks when it comes to having good flavors of men! It’s like the ice cream choices at my Chinese restaurant! I get so upset because THEY ONLY HAVE GREEN TEA. Who even eats green tea ice cream??!!!! Them??!!?? Well guess what? You have American customers to! And they don’t just want your flippin’ special soft serve! Give me some real flavor please *destroys Hong Kong*

            Okay, I am calm. Maybe you’re wondering why I am complaining when I am very well off with the man I’m dating. Well, he’s not...say fun. I have to teach him how to have fun. He takes life too seriously. He’s certainly not like the guy at 7/11 that I mentioned earlier, but I won’t settle for less than what I need. I really like him as a companion who I can have down to earth conversations with. We can talk about art and music all day, but what’s really going to “keep my warm at night”, as Shania Twain put it, is a guy who can make me laugh and keep my mood up. I love serious talks, but I cannot live without some humor in my life. He’s just bringing me down :( I like his attempts at humor, it even makes me giggle, but oh my goodness, if I wasn’t a nice person I would have already called him out on his poor abilities. He’s someone I can’t be completely normal with either, so that means it’s time to move on from considering him a possible “mate” or whatever you call it. Ladies, don’t settle for less. Certainly be thankful for who you have in your life. But if you have a choice, pick someone you know you can live with. What characteristics will carry you through your highs and lows? This is the kind of stuff I had to consider while in relationship with him, and you know what, it didn’t narrow my mind, it made me happier. I thought it would be so selfish of me to judge the guy I date by those standards, but it actually brought me to good conclusions and didn’t let me be anchored by sympathy for his feelings that may be stronger than mine. I chose what was good for me. I haven’t done that in a while so it felt pretty good :)
But to wrap this up, I will probably break it off with Jensen Ackles. Although, who’s to say we won’t still be friends? He’s an invaluable art exhibit buddy and I hope he finds that in me too. We can enjoy silence and different perspectives. It is part of what I look for in anyone! He fits the bill fortunately for someone tolerable, so I hope he takes my hand of friendship! And to touch on the Godzilla moment, yeah, I don’t know how eager I am to date someone right after this. I met two guys recently who fit the bill but are way too young for my taste. The others I know that are my age are plain jerks. So, 13 may be single once again for a while. Not to say that that hasn’t got its perks, but I am also giving you the hint I am heaving a big sigh of exasperation right about now.

            Off on new adventures hopefully and attractive males to come my way,
                        -13





23:
           
           So, story goes that my brother, who has always helped me with my research, just dropped out of the trip out to the great divide. Thing is, this means I can bring a friend, but I require them to know the most basic information about storm spotting. Guess which is the only friend that qualifies? 
Good ole' fringe. 
Guess who has the same days free as my trip? 
Good ole' fringe. 
Guess whose parents trust and like me enough to permit him to be my chase partner? 
Good ole' fringe.

            So I'm excited I've found a great friend to take with me, however, I worry that the underlying issue will get in the way. By the grace of God my parents are, of course, going to be around 24/7 so I don't have to worry about any awkward conversations. And with my predicament, I really have no other options. 
So I started imagining what the trip would be like day by day. I was perfectly okay. Then I, as expected, over analyzed the situation and started asking myself stupid questions like 'who are they sitting by when we eat out? By me, or by my father?' and 'what was I thinking?' and 'what about the sleeping arrangements?' 

            Basically, I'm just now realizing that this whole 'meet the parents' thing is paralyzing. I'm indifferent to my mother's opinion. From what I can tell, she doesn't care as long as I get a ring and she gets grandchildren. I worry most about what my father thinks. I care very, very much about my father's opinion. I'm still on the side of the table that doesn't necessarily feel the need to make anything official, so I feel like I'm showing off a rental car: pointless unless you choose to go buy the car. And like the car buying process in my family, my papa does the negotiations. As a very conscious worry wart, I care ever so much about what people think of my friends, job, person, relationships...I want so desperately for people to approve of the choices I make. I want to be seen as a good decision maker. I'm starting to feel as if I'm trying to find a part of myself instead of trying find an answer to a yes or no question: Does he go, or does he stay?
             I have to ask myself if I'm willing to merge a span of time in my life with a span of time in his. And not just this trip, but for future consideration;  Is it worth the heart break? I typically think it is in cases where both parties were content when unaccounted for circumstances shoved their foot in the door; school, travel, moving, etc. Unfortunately, all of the previously listed apply to me and my...well; we have a word for the situation, but not the people taking place in the situation. I'll say taco. So, Taco. Yup. My maybe future partner is now referred to as Taco...making quite a dent here guys. I can't even.

            I stopped being linguistic and meaningful at 'taco.' *deep breaths*

            Okay...

            And the saddest part is that I'll hardly get to see them senior year (starts this September). They're off doing college full time and my best friend in the entire world *cough cough* 13 *cough cough* is off at a different school half the time. My two best friends; Gone like that. I guess maybe God is preparing me for my departure to the Great Plains. I don't know. Everything happens for a reason and God knows best. Maybe a lack of a social life is what'll focus me on that 3.5 I've been shooting for.
I had a gut feeling that this anxiety was more than just a trip. I just figured out my life at 4:30 in the morning.

            Wow, I just farted my personal life everywhere. Yeah, I said 'farted' because my personal life stinks. Yay teenagerdom. 

            Last thing: So I wrote the above on Monday and since then everything has been all taken care of and I panicked for nothing. We spent Independence Day together, and hung out some more today. All is well. I’m happy as a clam…for now. I’m still horribly disappointed that my besties are leaving me in a couple of months, but myself destructive logic is “if this is going to hurt, it better damn well hurt like hell.” So if I walk into school in September and I seem unusually quiet and depressed, it’s because the best summer of my life came to an end and I feel like a stranger in High School again. Okay, I’m going to go off and worsen my outcome. Until next week! No! Wait! I won’t be here next week. Until the week after next week! Buh-Bye!

            -23