Saturday, March 24, 2012

Stead Fast and Unwavering

13: 

The bad part of being hyped up on CAFFEINE after 11 is that you go on random tyrants in the middle of your poster report work and it’s only between you -and you- I do get my work done but the repercussions are a little nutty! And a little philosophically romantiqueeee relationship focused too :) wrote this post high on drugs so enjoy ;)

P.S. - Don’t be spreading around I get high before talking about relationships. Caffeine is an accepted drug in America :P

 Most guys are insecure. Can there be any denying from both sides? They will lie to fit to a girl’s standards; to get an inside (I’m not saying all do, but a lot). The test is time though. They can’t keep up a facade or one aspect of themselves hidden for long. Girls will see it eventually. Why not try NOT hiding it from us. And if it’s THAT bad that you don’t want to show us, why are you even trying to date a girl who obviously is looking for someone that doesn’t want that characteristic? Changing yourself for a girl (or a guy to you ladies) doesn’t get you anywhere if it’s to impress her. It will nip you in the butt in the worst moment. You’re not playing fair to yourself or that other person. Want to punish yourself? Go down that self-demeaning road. Much of the girl population is intuitive (except for the desperate ones) to the fact that there are some pertinent details they must know before dating a guy. (1) They should know they don’t have to be concerned he’ll want to get in her pants right away, (2) he’ll have to be honest, (3) and he should have security in himself. Otherwise, what is there to date? A testosterone capsule! Doesn’t that sound hard though? To go through a list like that and hopefully come up with a candidate if maybe there is one in the field of sports team hats and baggy shirts (that look like nightgowns)? There’s no doubt it takes work to find a fitting boy, but, i started thinking (oh no right?). If we want boys of substance, sometimes we just got to wait till they’re not boys anymore. And ladies, don’t get me wrong; I know it sucks to wait, but hello! We have to go through so much gunk and muck to find a good guy in high school or even college! Drama, immaturity, self-image tests, responsibility that we didn’t know we needed when we date; the list goes on. Do we really have to go through that much? Date a number of guys before you can find a prospectable one? Don’t we want to be a beautiful flower by the time we find that right guy? Is it really worth having the “experience” of dating in a place and time that’s almost guaranteed of causing sore scars; some petals to fall down? (so many questions!!) I am surely not going to lock myself up from boys or taking chances, but, guarding my heart sounds so much smarter right now rather than flinging it out there. Maybe I’m saying this because I’m bias at the moment, because I found out a guy lied to me about his standards, but I think it’s high time i stop throwing my gushy bloody muscle around and start thinking about beautifying it for when I can take it out and hand it over without all this teenage yuck going on. I have a lot of life ahead of me. Maybe dating in high school isn’t so required....but it sure takes out the chance for my life to be rated R. No bloody violence :’( It’s something some of us can’t deny of liking (the drama! :D), but we know it’s ickying to our minds and hearts more than it is entertaining. Why don’t we listen to our uptight grandmothers more?


23:

“Fe, you’re getting a boyfriend this week.” My friend threw this in my face outside of geometry class this past Monday.

“Whaaaaaaaaat?!”

“Yes, Fe, you are getting asked out this week. You deserve it.”

Can you imagine the utter shock and surprise on my face at that very moment? I wasn’t sure if I should laugh it off or if I should be taking her seriously. How do you react to this? What do you say? What do you do? When this conversation came about I just stood there, awkwardly frozen in one spot, questions buzzing around my head like an angry bee.

I sputtered my words in a failed attempt to form a sentence that made sense.

“23, you’ve been single all your life. I’m going to help you out of this slump.” My friend was giving a terrible attempt to help me after last week.

“Who said I was in a slump? I’m doing fine. I’m great, I really am.”

“23, I read the blog.” 

Okay, I do admit that life has not been easy lately. Since February, I’ve been a little bit…frazzled. Even more so, in the month of March, now come and almost gone. However, I was able to get my mind to focus on school and my research trip this summer. The great thing is that now, without the haze of liking someone clouding my mind, I can focus ONLY on the important matters of life. I found that I was WAY more excited about Stormy Weather 2012 than I originally thought- or maybe the suns just getting to me.
          Anyhow, after my conversation with my friend, I began to analyze the situation. Along with two of my other friends pestering me about never having never had a boyfriend or having never been asked out, I criticized myself about it too. It really got me to thinking- the thought of having a boyfriend makes me very…uneasy and miserable. The idea of having to spend time with someone who loves me more than I could possibly ever love them seemed a bit incarcerating. I don’t want to be tied down to this place. I don’t wish to keep my roots in Seattle. I’d don’t want someone who wants to and tries to keep me here. Call me distant, call me crazy, call me strange- but it’s true and it’s coming from a place in my mind that I didn’t even know was there.
This brings me to another point. Why must it be this way? Is that just how society works these days? To be sixteen and have never had a boyfriend, let alone been asked out is actually considered sad and pathetic? Have we really stooped to this level? On Monday I was talking with some friends of mine. They said that they wanted to ask a guy out, to be in a relationship, just because they felt like it; just because they were in the mood for it. Tell me- what on this fine planet of ours is up with that?
This is why there are so many failed relationships out there in modern days. People leave because they get tired of one another; because the ‘love’ fades. Dating is more of a sport nowadays. It’s not taken seriously. Dating used to be so that one may find their eternal partner- not because they just felt like having a boyfriend.
So maybe I’m still single because my bar is raised so high. Maybe I’m still single because I insist upon manners. In all honesty, I’d probably no sooner bust a cap in my guy’s ass if he were to not hold a door open for me, than I would jump on the chance to leave this baron wasteland known as Washington State if I were given the chance. You know, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m A-OK with being on my own. It doesn’t bother me that I’ve never been asked out or never had a boyfriend. All I need is God, a good friend, and the road to fulfill my happiness. I’m happy with just those three things.
So here is my final declaration before I leave for Phoenix, before I completely turn things around, before I completely let the guy I liked go- when it all comes down, the only voices I listen to are mine and God’s- that is the only thing they sways me in life. So there you have it folks. The Declaration of the Drifter. It’s short; it’s sweet; and its truth. So what if I’m a sick and twisted drifter that’s addicted to being on her own? Call me esoteric,but that’s just me. That's what makes me special. That's what makes me and Rose special- we are stead fast and unwavering in our values.Love it or leave it.


2 comments:

  1. Fe, I know the guy you tore yourself up over. We're actually pretty good friends. I don't know if this helps or hurts but I promise you he never led you on or tried to hurt you. He is a great person but right now he is focused on someone else. Next time talk to the guy don"t just stare at him. Guys are people too not just something to analyze. You will find someone, gypsies and drifters do get love. Heck watch Chocolat you might get Johnny Depp.
    I'll talk to B about this tomorrow if I see her.

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    Replies
    1. Fe: I know, I know...I'm past it now. I gave no thught to it in Phoenix (yay!). haha. I'm considering not really mentioning anything anymore. I have work now to focus on (which is really ramping up now), so that'll keep me busy and distracted.I have my cat too...and pizza...and a ton of great friends. I'll be A-OK from here on out. Worry no more. And you don't just have to talk to B about it, I'm fine with being routed into to convo. (:
      -Fe

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