Debut

             23,

I came here to rant. Me and only me. 

             I spent these past few weeks lying my ass off like the private little anti-social that I am. Since school started back up, it’s beginning to feel like I’m being pushed into some kind of “no questions off limits” kind of public debut. Six times in the past two weeks people have asked me about ‘us.’ The other day, after several minutes of patience, I honest to goodness had to ask my friend to “mind her own damn business.” I felt awfully bad for saying so, but I had no other option but to be brash. On a different note, I worry that my efforts for privacy will be taken literally and everything will burn away. This, I imagine, is what it feels like to be trapped in a corner.

                 It’s gotten to the point where everyone see’s it, questions are being asked behind your back, and you’re bathing in speculation, halfway enjoy the attention you’ve never received before, and half ay wishing you could pry the eyes off of your back. On the other hand, it’s kind of fun being talked about…in a good way (that’s the first time in my life). This doesn’t mean that I’m not lying about having work so I don’t have to attend a nosy friend’s birthday party. I have the choice to dull the rumors with a “No, we’re just friends.” Or do I throw a smirk onto my face and walk away, leaving everyone with a silent but unconfirmed “maybe.” My friends aren’t doing very good job of asking either. Instead of asking, they just go on ahead and assume that we’re dating. Unfortunately, word of mouth spreads like wildfire. In these past two weeks, I have learned that apparently I’m dating, which is weird, because last time I checked, I was not. All this talk and chatter just ruins what I have. You know, it’s only special when it’s something that only you know about. When strangers start to make generalizations, it takes away from the sentiment of the relationship. I have people whose names I don’t even know, talking to me, asking about our relationship like they were my best friend. And you want to know something else? He asked me to homecoming. He asked me to homecoming and I had to say ‘no, let’s find something else to do’ because I know for a fact that if we did go, I’d end up being harassed on a daily basis, and I can’t handle that kind of attention. All this talk is ruining it- how I see things. If this keeps up, I won’t even be slightly willing to date at all for the remainder of high school. I still love him to death and I appreciate him more than I appreciate my ability to eat five pounds of shrimp, but I can’t handle a public spectacle, not again. I miss summer. I miss having this to myself. I miss privacy. Remember how in a previous post I wrote “There is nothing more interesting to teenagers than who is about to start dating who.” It’s worse. It’s all eyes and all ears at all times. Nothing is more draining than a public debut. 

-23

Girls Will Be Girls (But That Doesn't Make Them Any Less Annoying)

  Evening ladies! Today 13 is going “el solo” :) 23 is drowning in higher class homework (the smart cookie). So, she will not be joining us sadly. Although, that leaves me a lot more room to talk about something I’ve been dying to tell you all. There’s this movie....

....and it’s FAN.TASMIC. I definitely recommend this movie if you’re a fan of coming of age stories and want a good laugh at young fears. It regales the confusion and excitement of being introduced to boys and puberty. Trust me when I say I was choking on my tea Saturday night at 12am because it reminded me so much of my own teenage hood!
"I already feel fed up with boys and I haven't had anything to do with them yet!"
        This movie opened my mind to thinking about how far I have come. I was thoroughly convinced to be more thankful for where I am today (oh the horrors of Sophmore year) and to give a little grace towards the younger girls who are now in my place. They look so stupid and young as I look at them now, in an aged perspective. It’s as if the wider the berth of my hips grow, the less tolerant I am of my younger kind! Not only have I got senioritus for school, but, for the people in it. It’s mainly focused on these face-painted, doe-eyed lovelies who can’t stop to say please. Pondering, quite cringingly, all the shenanigans I partook as an asset less stick of a girl though, I should really be kinder to them. I was like that once; raging pheromones and all! It was like getting a dose of medicine with a sweet taste of laughter to ease such down.

        I am definitely putting this movie in the “I gotta get over this crush it’s killing me” survival kit too because (spoilers) if a 14 year old can do it, so can 18 year old me *tough face*. I’ll probably watch it again about 3 more times before I ever get tired of their British accents. It was quite frankly hilarious to me, or that may just be my own delirious memory from last night. Either way, it’s one to check out ladies and gents ;)

        Moving on to real life, I just want to leave you with a tidbit of hoW MESSED UP MY HORMONES ARE RIGHT NOW. So I was waiting on my grandma to come back with Starbucks coffee in the car. I had the radio on and I was really starting to realize how old I was, with my 18th birthday coming up in 3 weeks. All of a sudden, this sad music came on. Side note, let me tell you how much of a sucker I am for sad piano anything. Anyways, the eyes started misting like my car windows and I wiped a tear away and realized....this isn’t just some sad music...*leans ear* This is a prostate exam commercial!! I WAS CRYING OVER MY AGE WHILE 105.3 WAS TRYING TO WARN ME OF BUTT DANGERS. WHAT THE WAFFLES. I am very confused how I was able to block the beginning words of that commercial to fit in my emotional fit. I guess I have a really good sense of separation and focus?????? It is downright one of those experiences I will privately remember forever and both cringe and laugh at.

Not knowing how to whimsically end this without sounding dorky, your solo writer, 13

I Hate You, I Love You Again

13,

                Lovelies, I have a problem. A big problem with douchebags. Especially, douchebags who intentionally lead us on. The rule of thumb is that we’re going to meet at least 1 of these in our life. They ruin our confidence, tear away our backbone, and shove false pretenses in our faces. There is no amount of Nutella to heal these woes. That torture truly messes with our heads, and in some cases, even with our bodies because we were convinced to do so much in their name. Whether it’s 2am texts every time they break up with their partner or blatant flirtation whenever you’re looking “better than usual”, an empty feeling settles within and every girl knows that moment when tears prick the eyes in a fleshly mock of a loneliness you didn’t know you had till then. I don’t care what kind of excuses these people have; they’re playing with hearts. It frustrates me to no end to see this happen to those close to me, or any other human being for that matter. It’s not cool. It’s a vicious act out of they’re own need for compensation and one poor soul is caught up in the middle of the grotesque show of humanity. No one can convince me there is a right reason to lead someone to believe you have the same romantic feelings for them as they for you. It’s disgusting and I wish I could avoid these people like the plague, but, most of us get caught up in at least one of these situations, so sadly the question to ask is not how we can avoid them, but how to combat them. No, it’s not to eat all the ice cream you have due to this disastrous flameout of a romance. You take care of yourself. You surround yourself with good friends, let them keep you accountable, and get into the motivation to IGNORE THE PRINCE CHARMING IMPOSTER. You deserve way better than someone who chases you on and off. You deserve way better than someone who’s only desire from you is a dance in the sheets, or your friend’s attention (that’s happened to me), and etc. Distract yourself from either the pain or the want with a practice of self-indulgence or charity. It works! And you may not want to mentally get away from that “oh so cute douchebag” right now because you’ve become so used to fawning over him, but trust me when i say it is better for you and it’ll open your eyes to seeing somebody far superior to the pompous jerk you’re falling for.

               - In love and with a loud frown from all this doucebaggery talk, 13

 (P.S - I enjoyed calling people out on their fluff and using douchebag so many times way too much.)

 
23,

                  Do you remember how much it hurts to be lied to? To be fed a promise and betrayed; to hate a person for what they have done, but to love a person simply because they are them. Being lead on, by lover or by friend, hurt horribly. It’s the worst kind of pain because no matter what they did to you, you naturally compare it to how they have treated you in the past. Even though you hate them for what they did, you love them for being a part of your life. This has happened to me on several occasions. I’ve had friends where they’d be wonderful, pleasant people, but one day they turn into some awful human being and all of the sudden you’re crying in a bathroom stall. But in terms of relationships, it’s so mu h worse. It hurts to be seeing one thing then told another. Sometimes I like to refer to those who lead others on as- not any form of foul language- but as shape shifters. I call them this because not only can they change personalities so quickly, but because nothing that is human would choose to put another human through so much pain and confusion. It’s awful because they drain you of your humanity, and you won’t even realize it until you begin to see the world as an awful place, and find yourself to be contributing to that same kind of awful that you were so unfairly exposed to. These people, man or woman; these shape shifters will drag you down to their level. They will cause you to hurt others in the way that they hurt you. You may crave equilibrium- revenge. And when you realize that the monster cannot damage the monster, that monster will try and damage an innocent. The cycle then repeats. However, there are those out there that are strong enough to deal with the consequences in a less harmful manner. It is the difference between quitting and survival. Two wrongs don’t make a right. A plane can fly on just one engine. You will regret staying to long with someone that you’ll soon forget. You must let go .This is the difference between heartbreak and revival.

                It is much like flying into Las Vegas- you find nothing more beautiful and promising than the bright, shiny lights of the strip. You were taken in by the spotlight. Your heart may as well be the money you’ll throw away at a casino. You know, you can always love, but you can’t always win.

                Unfortunately for those that become prey to the shape shifter and find them to be their first “love,” it will be so much harder for them to turn around and leave. They will spend their next year piecing their life back together. They have to deal with the nostalgia that comes along with their first ever crush. It is extremely hard to let them go. Some are able to completely demolish their feelings; others are not so lucky. My advice is to stop thinking about them- to completely remove them from your life. I say this because, hell, while you’re off running towards the joker, you don’t see the king waiting on your door step. Once you let go of the bad, you become open to the good- to the wonderful. I am living proof. Even the most hopeless people have hope…and I’ll say it again: You can’t catch what doesn’t want to be caught.

                If this sounds like you, sweetie, it’s time to run. It’s time to make your choice.

                                Do you quit or survive?

                                Heartbreak or revival?

                Your choice just made or broke your next relationship.

-23

Fringe Broken Down

               I don’t remember if we ever took the time to give the actual definition of a fringe relationship. A fringe relationship is initially when both subjects are not necessarily single, nor are they necessarily dating…it’s basically a relationship in a Venn diagram. We call it ‘fringe’ because you are on the very edge of being single, and you are also on the very edge of dating.  Though seemingly simple, a fringe relationship is one of the best and most miserable things you will ever experience. Not just because of the constant tension between to two participants, but because of the word of mouth…and let me tell you, nothing is more interesting to teenagers than who is about to start dating who. Once people hear about you spending unusual amounts of time with one person of the opposite gender you may as well be the town celebrity. You will be asked prying questions. You will get looks. You will be told that “oh, but I thought that they liked…” And the only part that is worse than the social buzz created by your peers, is the protective instinct that every woman is “blessed” with at birth. The fringe relationship will make sure that you feel like there is a safety net under the tightrope that you are walking. Guess what? There is no safety net. Because nothing is set in stone, there is no guarantee that your counterpart will stay…however, even though you make sure to acknowledge this lovely fact of fringe, when the time does come that the other starts to pull away, even the idea of it cuts you like a knife. And it hurts this way because you know that the two of you willingly got as close as you possibly could. It is because in every time you reunite with one another, you are praying for something more; maybe they’ll put their arm around me; maybe I’ll get a hand on my shoulder. You have to forcibly tell yourself not to lean your head on their shoulder. You have to keep yourself from telling them how much you appreciate them. You have to force your mind not to think about them, simply so you can fall asleep. I can assure you, that being there, right next to someone who you can just feel loves you, is the most comforting thing in the world; when you can hear the words they want to say, when you can almost read their thoughts…The first blow to this fortress is when you can no longer sense what they are thinking, no matter how close you are to one another. Then they kind of stop making contact with you and you’re left there wondering what you did wrong…I assure you, you have done nothing wrong…sometimes feelings fade away.  I think the worst thing possible would be to find out that you were the replacement while they were waiting for their first flame, or crush or whatever, to become available again. The worst part about a fringe relationship is that the other party is free to leave and you have to act like there was nothing more. You have to act happy when you see that they finally started a serious relationship with someone. Sometimes the hardest part is having to let go, even if everything they did promised “I love you.” Unfortunately, as human beings, we have to face this kind of event one way or another. The fringe phase is when you are searching; when you are learning about the people worth living for; you’ll learn to be open, and you’ll learn to live without the people that you cared about the most. Just remind yourself that life is not a Hollywood movie.  Do not go up to them and pour out all of the feelings you have been repressing. You will be left looking like a fool, kicking yourself for being such an idiot, singing “but you’re the only one that leaves too soon, and I would fall for you.”

                Unfortunately, for any of those who wish to get married, or find any romantic relationship at all, must pass through the fringe phase. Just remember that each heart break is one more step in the right direction. And no matter what happens to you, you must tell yourself that you are 100 proof.

-23