Fools Like Us

13:

I want that kind of love.....and as I’m longingly looking for it, I’m throwing my squishy red muscle around. And those boys don’t even know it! *shakes head* It’s stupid and I know; a fool. Plus, I’m not the kind of person to care how odd it may seem to allow your heart to be held by an unattractive man *ahem* excuse me; BOY. It’s at least being held...so I’m open to more hurt. I’m not just admitting the “super” attractive guys. Have I really gotten that dumb to throw my heart at any glimpse of faithfulness? I feel like I’m shooting at a blind target and I haven’t been told how to maze through the labyrinth we call love.  Although looking for a face you haven’t seen before sounds stupid, I won’t give up. I can’t. I sound like Gigi from “He’s Just Not That Into You”, but, I think she’s right. People are so reserved and locked up. It’s “safe” that way, but it has its unsatisfying outcomes too. "You may not get hurt or make a fluff of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either", as that persevering psycho girl says (but persevering nonetheless). Romantic love is one of the hardest habits to achieve between two people and the best you’ll receive. Romantic love is individual (like a jewel) and earned. People wonder why they can’t find that hearts’ desire of a loving romantic relationship in a club, at a porn convention, in a bedroom, etc!!! Love is found where love is planted. In this world the locations are diminishing. Finding the garden is frickin’ hard. I know this from an inside view. I know it sucks. I feel it at this very moment. To get to that opportunity to love that special someone will take work. You may have to go through things you may not find pleasant either. I’m not saying you have to go through hell to get to that lovely garden, but you do have to come out of your little box of comfort. It’s hard (Oh do I know). I am trying to figure out the balance right now, as I write, of how much to take a chance and what amount of guarding of my heart is too much. A few steps into the water and getting bitten isn’t a guarantee, but nor is it a phenomenon. It’s confusing just writing about it, but isn’t that supposedly the beauty of it? Is it not a bottomless pit of wonder, hope, and hysterics from both emotional extremes? I won’t have great success as soon as I step outdoors, and at the same time, I won’t have danger lurking behind the picket fence whenever I walk out. It’s messy and lovely and stressful and is meant for so much more than what it is mostly labeled as. Our world is ugly, so we have to go through more than what was intended to get to love. But I think it’s worth it. Getting through the mucky teenage hormonal heartbreaks has taught me some things and not just scarred me.

Well, revitalized from the barracks and ready to go back into the field, Rose signs out. With as much insecure vigor she can collect from within herself (knowing inside she’ll come back to you with a heartache worth the time later, but also, knowing it won’t be the end to her crazy lovely life), she gets out of this comfy bed to face the world, the boy world, and every world in between *salute*

P.S. - I do realize this is kind of bipolar compared to my last write to you. I’m at a dilemma and hormonal state, so don’t mind it. Decisions will be made as to whether life will happen or not (and by life I do mean more boy business ;) )

23:         

Have you ever noticed that as the time draws closer and closer for you to make a serious change, you begin to real back on your decision? Well, it happens to everybody and it sure is happening to me. Up until the past several days, I hadn’t even given the guy I liked a thought- At least not without stopping myself. Yet somehow, by some unfathomable force of nature, he slipped into my mind. So there I went, tripping over myself and sliding around in my decisions. Numerous “so what’s?” and “what does it matter’s?” flew around in my head. At the same time I was telling myself to ignore such thoughts and stick to my new plan. “No 23,” I said to myself, “You won’t go through this again. Don’t.”

Alright, so now the whole world knows the confusion that cycles around my head. So, all in all, I’m lost as I’ll get out. Love is not easy to find your way through. Especially at our young age. It’s like those complex highway systems that you see every now and then where you have eight different highways crossing over one another in a crisscross fashion. There are no how “to’s” for these highway systems. It’s just “Here’s your exit number. Good luck!” You have to sort your way through it on your own. If you happen to be good at this kind of thing, you’ll make it through unscathed and A-OK. But others, such as Rose and I, will have to try it over and over again. We’ll take the wrong exit and end up on some road that we don’t want to head down- a road that takes us in the exact opposite direction than where we really want to go. Along this road that we get lost on, we try to figure out where we are and what we need to do. Well, there are some things that I’d like to figure out; some things that I don’t understand- the truth. It’s not me you like. It’s not you I’d like to have anymore. So, can you just please stop looking me in the eye and smiling? Please, can you not do that to me? Every time you do this, for those short moments, I’m right back to where I started from- just as I was starting to ignore you. Let’s face it- when it comes to liking you, I can’t have what I wanted. Why did you come here if you weren’t invited? You were on the outside, so stay on the outside. I didn’t come this far for you to make this so complicated for me. Whatever progress I made, everything I’ve been doing- I must be doing something wrong because I’m missing you. I can’t comprehend this muddle and mess. It’s left my mind in such disarray that I can’t even see straight anymore. Why do we so carelessly sacrifice our hearts to love when we know it will never last? Why do we only want what we can’t have? Does the idea of a challenge to overcome attract us? Why do we go after something so…impossible? People ask me how they allowed love to enter into their lives. My answer: How does your heart beat? Why do you breathe? Loves just happens naturally. There are no choices. It just happens.