A Benign Pie

Welp, you can say goodbye to Jensen Ackles. We talked it over and decided life is too crazy to date now. The "FRINGE" phase has come to a close. I could be gone to a foreign country in the next year or two and he could be continuing his education someplace out of Washington. I’d like to say we’d be willing to handle the distance and further whatever we have, but we’re not in love. We could certainly live without eachother. The expectations of “relationship” seems too high on either end too. We’re both pretty serious daters (what was that I said about casually dating? Yah, can’t do it!!) and do not want to limit eachother. We’ve had a wonderful few months together, and that certainly won’t end, but there’s no wow factor. There’s no romantic glue holding us together. Friendship was agreed to and it kinda made me release a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Sure, the excitement and discovery was great, but there’s no saying I can’t get that through friendship with him. The label of “dating” only gave me pressure to be ‘normal’ and we both felt it. From the time we left our 5th date, we both agreed to be honest and accept eachother’s weirdness. Like I said in the last post, I did not feel like I could be relaxed around him. I didn’t get an easy vibe when we hung out except when we were deep in intellectual conversation. He has really nice qualities and I wouldn’t trade his brain out for a sense of humor, but there were things I know couldn’t be learned that I wanted my boyfriend to be. He will probably fit perfectly with someone similar to me, but something’s just not fitting with us.....I’m still unparticular about what it is, but at least I know the conclusion. I was pretty devastated, never thinking I could be the “breaker”, but I later settled into a sense of pride and gladness that I broke it off when I got a gut feeling. Lesson from the experience, trust your gut. I was starting to sympathize more than affectionize when I had to answer him for a date. Even if it seems rediculous, if you just wait, you’ll start to notice what your gut is talking about and things will go better than if you didn’t.

Even though I was shaking the entire time, the break-up didn’t go that bad. We met in the middle with positive feedback and quite a lot of hand holding I might add! We were both so nervous I held tightly to his hands over the table and kept eye contact. I truly believe the eyes are the windows to your soul, so it gave me an edge to telling where to steer the conversation and whether to give him a moment to speak. To be completely honest, I thought I would either cry or make him cry. I didn’t know what would happen. It was worth it though. We still held hands till he took me to my car. I fiddled with my keys and took a big breath. Before I could say goodbye he blurted out, “Hey, even though I don’t love you, I still love you. I love that, yes, that smile and your caring hands. That probably sounds weird....you never ceased to take care of my *he laughs* “squishy muscle”, as you put it, and...I don’t know just come here *hugs* Now don’t tell any of the girls at work about this; I’m supposed to be the ‘ruggedly handsome but unapproachable guy’ remember?”. I then proceeded to die from his smirk and hugged him again, but tighter. I thanked him a million times over for being so understanding and he could only smile ^^ Bleehhh I’m getting all squirmy and giggly just thinking about this! So, it ended well (okay it went fantastic don’t give me that look) and I guess I picked a pretty good guy didn’t I?!! But just not the one for me....which was a bittersweet moment to experience and hurt like hell. The pros to my decision are over reaching though. We have the freedom to really get to know eachother without a label pressuring us to be closer. I was never more thankful for my grandma, God, and decision skills to get to that point. I can call him any time and expect an honest answer whether he wants to hang out, and he can expect the same from me. We can be as weird as we want and know the friendship is permanent, versus worry that we don’t fit the “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” list. 

I can settle with what I have. I am so thankful for who has decided to stay in my life. I am trying my best not to be selfish and be aware that life will take us apart eventually and I gotta take advantage of what time we have. We can fight against the tides, or protect ourselves and roll with it easily. Don’t misunderstand, I still say screw you destiny I’ll make my own, but if my life and his is going to be so unstable, then we really shouldn’t jump into something that takes steady lifestyles. It’s a hard situation and a disapointing outcome, believe me. I have inwardly cried and kicked enough for both of us, but I will settle down into this friendship. I won’t give up on the all big endeavor to find a boyfriend just because this didn’t work out either. There will definitely be more stories to tell and laughs to be had about my embarrasing situations. (Oh do I have some involving Jensen Ackles stories) I’ll leave you tonight with a simple thought that should make you smile.

Serious relationships are like pie. Not everyone enjoys them. They’re messy to eat, and they’re full of sugar you don’t need. And sometimes they take a long time to bake. Still, they have a value that’s irreplaceable. They make you smile and sometimes even giggle. They give you moments of bliss, and maybe there’s sour spots with your slice, but that just gives the pie its unique character. Pie is a combination of ingrediants and there’s more recipes than you can count, but not just one is perfect. Each one has flaws and stems or leaves that you forgot to take out, but you’ll like it anyways. You take each slice with a dollup of patience. And even if it gets on your shirt, you’ll forgive it because its a once in a while thing you don’t get to have very often. It may even get unhealthy to eat at one point, but you’ll still eat it because you’re craving what it first felt like on your tongue when you bit into the first fork-full. It will never be like that first experience though. Sometimes, you’re just going to have to leave the plate empty to respect yourself and the memory. And sometimes, you’ll decide to excercise enough so you can have it once again, but this time choose a different filling that doesn’t have so many calories. It will take effort to change your taste, but you’ll get used to it like any other food. It can be special like its pedecessor if you let it be. And in any way you experience it, pie is pie. Pie can’t betray you, only the cook. The cooks are who are responsible. Just one pie doesn’t define the rest still, and you have the right dislike it as a whole. Maybe you like cake. That’s okay. It exists around you though and if you’re like most of the population, you’ll crave it. That’s also okay. You are meant to enjoy it. At one point in your life, you’ll deal with it and you’ll have the right to choose seconds, refuse any at all, or just push it over to someone else who’d enjoy it more. Serious relationships are like pie, and you have choices to make while their in the oven or not invest in them at all. You can either take chances with it or never get better at making them. It’s an art that no one’s mastered, except maybe the old grandmas. Their a treat to be had. No one should go without trying.

I have no idea how to end this so I’ll just stop the flow with saying I’m wondering if any of you will be as hungry for pie as I am right now once you read this :P Goodbye for now ladies! I hope you get some pie this week or something sweet to enjoy your summer :3 Wear that sunscreen too! Bye!!

                                                                              - 13