Rattled

13:

Dear ladies,

I’m here today coming to you with a mixed connotation on guys, boys, men; whatever you want to call them! In my humble opinion, some are pigs and some are sweets, and unfortunately for us they’re just placed in the wrong bodies. I have met some frankly beautiful guys, but they’ve been rotten. I have also met some kind, amazing hearted guys who’ve gotten the short stick in physique. I just wish what you are on the inside reflected on the outside just as much as bad oral hygiene shows. I am getting to a point where I don’t care if someone has buck teeth or one less limb (unless it’s you know what because that may become a problem). If they have a heart for God and a well-rounded personality then come here and let me give you a talk; we’re going on a date. No I didn’t need your answer, here’s my address.

I am fed up with disappointments and bummers like when an attractive male came up to me and after I gave him a look and gave me the lip between the fingers sign (someone tell me what that’s actually called). THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME. I was just shocked. Then I was angry, but couldn’t punch the guy in the face like you and I wanted to because he had already gone around a corner in Seattle. Ugugaahshkhdsdgjhsaghrgg this world sucks when it comes to having good flavors of men! It’s like the ice cream choices at my Chinese restaurant! I get so upset because THEY ONLY HAVE GREEN TEA. Who even eats green tea ice cream??!!!! Them??!!?? Well guess what? You have American customers to! And they don’t just want your flippin’ special soft serve! Give me some real flavor please *destroys Hong Kong*

            Okay, I am calm. Maybe you’re wondering why I am complaining when I am very well off with the man I’m dating. Well, he’s not...say fun. I have to teach him how to have fun. He takes life too seriously. He’s certainly not like the guy at 7/11 that I mentioned earlier, but I won’t settle for less than what I need. I really like him as a companion who I can have down to earth conversations with. We can talk about art and music all day, but what’s really going to “keep my warm at night”, as Shania Twain put it, is a guy who can make me laugh and keep my mood up. I love serious talks, but I cannot live without some humor in my life. He’s just bringing me down :( I like his attempts at humor, it even makes me giggle, but oh my goodness, if I wasn’t a nice person I would have already called him out on his poor abilities. He’s someone I can’t be completely normal with either, so that means it’s time to move on from considering him a possible “mate” or whatever you call it. Ladies, don’t settle for less. Certainly be thankful for who you have in your life. But if you have a choice, pick someone you know you can live with. What characteristics will carry you through your highs and lows? This is the kind of stuff I had to consider while in relationship with him, and you know what, it didn’t narrow my mind, it made me happier. I thought it would be so selfish of me to judge the guy I date by those standards, but it actually brought me to good conclusions and didn’t let me be anchored by sympathy for his feelings that may be stronger than mine. I chose what was good for me. I haven’t done that in a while so it felt pretty good :)

But to wrap this up, I will probably break it off with Jensen Ackles. Although, who’s to say we won’t still be friends? He’s an invaluable art exhibit buddy and I hope he finds that in me too. We can enjoy silence and different perspectives. It is part of what I look for in anyone! He fits the bill fortunately for someone tolerable, so I hope he takes my hand of friendship! And to touch on the Godzilla moment, yeah, I don’t know how eager I am to date someone right after this. I met two guys recently who fit the bill but are way too young for my taste. The others I know that are my age are plain jerks. So, 13 may be single once again for a while. Not to say that that hasn’t got its perks, but I am also giving you the hint I am heaving a big sigh of exasperation right about now.

            Off on new adventures hopefully and attractive males to come my way,

                        -13

23:

           

           So, story goes that my brother, who has always helped me with my research, just dropped out of the trip out to the great divide. Thing is, this means I can bring a friend, but I require them to know the most basic information about storm spotting. Guess which is the only friend that qualifies? 

Good ole' fringe. 

Guess who has the same days free as my trip? 

Good ole' fringe. 

Guess whose parents trust and like me enough to permit him to be my chase partner? 

Good ole' fringe.

            So I'm excited I've found a great friend to take with me, however, I worry that the underlying issue will get in the way. By the grace of God my parents are, of course, going to be around 24/7 so I don't have to worry about any awkward conversations. And with my predicament, I really have no other options. 

So I started imagining what the trip would be like day by day. I was perfectly okay. Then I, as expected, over analyzed the situation and started asking myself stupid questions like 'who are they sitting by when we eat out? By me, or by my father?' and 'what was I thinking?' and 'what about the sleeping arrangements?' 

            Basically, I'm just now realizing that this whole 'meet the parents' thing is paralyzing. I'm indifferent to my mother's opinion. From what I can tell, she doesn't care as long as I get a ring and she gets grandchildren. I worry most about what my father thinks. I care very, very much about my father's opinion. I'm still on the side of the table that doesn't necessarily feel the need to make anything official, so I feel like I'm showing off a rental car: pointless unless you choose to go buy the car. And like the car buying process in my family, my papa does the negotiations. As a very conscious worry wart, I care ever so much about what people think of my friends, job, person, relationships...I want so desperately for people to approve of the choices I make. I want to be seen as a good decision maker. I'm starting to feel as if I'm trying to find a part of myself instead of trying find an answer to a yes or no question: Does he go, or does he stay?

             I have to ask myself if I'm willing to merge a span of time in my life with a span of time in his. And not just this trip, but for future consideration;  Is it worth the heart break? I typically think it is in cases where both parties were content when unaccounted for circumstances shoved their foot in the door; school, travel, moving, etc. Unfortunately, all of the previously listed apply to me and my...well; we have a word for the situation, but not the people taking place in the situation. I'll say taco. So, Taco. Yup. My maybe future partner is now referred to as Taco...making quite a dent here guys. I can't even.

            I stopped being linguistic and meaningful at 'taco.' *deep breaths*

            Okay...

            And the saddest part is that I'll hardly get to see them senior year (starts this September). They're off doing college full time and my best friend in the entire world *cough cough* 13 *cough cough* is off at a different school half the time. My two best friends; Gone like that. I guess maybe God is preparing me for my departure to the Great Plains. I don't know. Everything happens for a reason and God knows best. Maybe a lack of a social life is what'll focus me on that 3.5 I've been shooting for.

I had a gut feeling that this anxiety was more than just a trip. I just figured out my life at 4:30 in the morning.

            Wow, I just farted my personal life everywhere. Yeah, I said 'farted' because my personal life stinks. Yay teenagerdom. 

            Last thing: So I wrote the above on Monday and since then everything has been all taken care of and I panicked for nothing. We spent Independence Day together, and hung out some more today. All is well. I’m happy as a clam…for now. I’m still horribly disappointed that my besties are leaving me in a couple of months, but myself destructive logic is “if this is going to hurt, it better damn well hurt like hell.” So if I walk into school in September and I seem unusually quiet and depressed, it’s because the best summer of my life came to an end and I feel like a stranger in High School again. Okay, I’m going to go off and worsen my outcome. Until next week! No! Wait! I won’t be here next week. Until the week after next week! Buh-Bye!

            -23