A Post Dedicated to 13...

Ask 23 out - approach with John Denver’s “Rocky Mountain High” (radio) blasting and ask her. P.S. Her favorite flower is the Bitterroot. 

Ask 13 out - quiet, private place (pink and white calla lilies) doesn’t try to get into my pants as soon as I say yes.

Monday - Girls, this is about to ruin your mushy conception of Valentine’s Day. You will be forever scarred by my upcoming words, but I just had to do it. Three things; (1) men like to call this day - Extortion Day! (2) Even though it’s V-day doesn't mean you have to give your V-card to a disguised extortionist, and (3) there’s no metaphysics on earth like chocolate (as Fernanda Passeo says) to fill a girl’s heart; men cannot figure your happiness in a matter of moments. Don’t be fooled. All the pink and red heart shaped willy nilly objects that climb the shelves to the top with pricing above the roof; it clouds your brain with fluffy jargon! You are too complex of a creature to be fulfilled by a few thrusts. Now! On to the mushiness of my love life: D For lack of better terms, my love life can be described in one word; catawampus (or kitty-wampus as my great grandma puts it). For those of you who don’t know what that is, (“I don’t think anybody knows what that word means rose...” - 23) it means crooked, or obstruct. There is great irony in making the decision to go out there and find a guy who respects you and likes you and then when you (stumble upon in my case) find a guy that does, he’s not the one you wanted. Doesn’t that sound catty? “Oh well I wanted to find a guy to date but when I did find someone he wasn’t what I wanted”. *nasally popular girl voice* Come on self, you asked for a dude and you got one! What’s the deal? But if it’s not a guy that you can feel romantically for, then don’t feel pressure to date him! See this inner conflict going on? It’s been driving me nuts the last few weeks!! Grrrr! This is something I have learned to live by though and I’m still experiencing it all as I’m writing down the nature of ladies and relationships. Don’t string the guy out appreciating the affection because you’ll have to break it to him that you can’t feel the same way he does in the end. Maybe he’s just being nice, but when you know he likes you, and you prolong his thinking that it’s hopeful that he and you will date, that’s so not cool. And I’m in that same place. I have to tell a guy friend that farther won’t happen. Ever. I’m a kind-hearted person so I obviously don’t want to hurt him, but, I have to be honest with him or it will hurt him even more (nervous anticipation for that time!). Be honest, and blunt. You will literally have to take him by the face and say, “I don’t like you like that, so stop “wooing” me!” because they’re so oblivious, no matter how much they brag about their “observational skills”. Or in this guy’s place, they CHOOSE to be oblivious to matters of the heart. Of course we all like clean attention from a guy, not only because it’s rare, but because it feels good too. I get that. But then we float around our admirer singing songs of “I’m liked! I’m liked!” and it just ends badly for both sides. Maybe we don’t go as so far as to dance in the lunch room around this guy, but to some degree we get clouded by the want for attention; love. We’ve now put our emotional stability in by what/how much he compliments and we receive guilt for leading him on afterwards. And in the middle of things, there’s this guy who won’t stop trying to get your heart no matter what nuclear hints you drop. It all comes down to courage to do the right thing and to realize it won’t be the end of the world if someone isn’t interested in you romantically for the time being. Go ahead, squish that little spirit of his; then it won’t break because you came to him a long time later to say a deeper relationship won’t happen. I have already made the mistake. So don’t follow my example, but definitely my lesson. Tuesday - OK  so above was my conception of the whole matter I was in. Valentine’s Day, of course, brought many surprises. (1) I received huge amounts of chocolate from my beloved friends, and (2) my best-guy-friend gave me chocolate covered gummy bears with a letter. “What did this letter contain?” I asked myself, once I got over the excitement for muddy bears. I opened it up in geometry class and what do you know? He’s pouring his heart out on this paper. It was very honest. He used George Strait’s “Check Yes or No” way. It was very cute *ehem* I mean sad that he went to all that 2 page work. I checked the no box. He was crushed and he, in his distraught state, was mad at me for not telling him sooner about my lack of feelings after getting over the shock. Now let me let you know, I've been dropping Hiroshima style hints on him the last month and a half!! I would have appreciated not being blamed for all this by him, but I know that I was taking a while to come out with it (which was for care to say the right thing but that’s not the point). That was my day! At least I let him down in a beautiful setting right? with all the flower peddles and pink fluff in the surrounding environment. Wednesday - Now let me introduce you to Rose’s brain; audience, meet Rose’s brain, brain meet our readers. You will gain insight to my thoughts today on this big matter. I started from the beginning thinking of how betraying it was for him to express his feelings so strongly in January and then to have him turn around and say, “By the way, I slept with your friend.” (not 23 aha)  a week later. Yes, you all are probably saying why didn't you drop him then?!! But I thought we could still be friends, and to be honest I was still wrestling with the feelings that had arisen from our closeness. For a week, we unpacked (including God in it) the how’s, what’s, and especially WHY’S. We tried to mend our friendship as best as we could and at the same time getting him through the regret. He couldn't give me an answer as to why he did it, until two weeks later during a snow storm. Basically, he said he didn't think I was worth the wait. From there, all romantic or otherwise compassionate feelings for him were gone. Poof! Gone forever. I started making notions in conversations after that. I didn't feel that way for him, I wasn't going to date anybody right now, and the big one; If he didn’t have the respect enough to save himself for a relationship with me or any other with a girl, then he has no business trying to date me. Even still, he kept his head in the sand and wouldn’t take the hint. Finally, in all my turmoil and anguish on Valentine’s Day, he wrote me a determining letter wanting to know if we would ever date. And now you’re caught up to this week :) That night he texted me in response to my answer back (which consisted of a checked box). He wouldn’t take just “no” for an answer, literally. He wouldn’t stop bothering me because he wanted to know why I chose that box. You think using George Straits’ technique would be easy, it is, but he just made it waaayy more complicated then it needed to be. So I said I didn’t have to justify my means and I’d rather not say. Why wouldn’t I give him an answer? Because he would have analyzed everything that I said and tried to improve himself upon that so he could try again. No, not having it. So while he was getting angry he started putting things like “don’t be surprised if it looks like I cried at youth group” or “I can barely read this because my eyes are Niagara falls” kind of sentences. Don’t make me feel anymore guilty for prolonging this ordeal man! You will not put me on a guilt trip *nodnod* I tried to get it across to him my lack of feelings before but I’m not a perfect person and I did the best I could in my “trying not to hurt you” state. So, he continued to blame me for lying to him and handled it like a child. Plus, he complained that even though he had been following God, he hadn’t been given the desires of his heart; he’d been given nothing so far. He had presumptious expectations. First of all, whatever God gives us; He desires to give it, not because we desire to receive it. God will not force me to feel for this guy. Secondly, God knows us better than ourselves and He has a Will. He will satisfy His will and our desires at the same time in His own time and way. And I can say this; it won’t be through me He will give this guy’s desires to. This is what the Bible truly says about it (And it’s totally your choice whether you accept this or truth or not, but this is what the Bible means by the promise God made to us that this guy pointed out). This guy completely has put blame on his feelings for me on God. Not cool! Concluding, after he got his anger out on me he completely changed his attitude and had the idea that we were okay now. Since Tuesday, he’s been under the assumption that we’re still best friends and are still as personal as we were before. Nope, that is not my view on it! I feel offended by his use of his religion and the way he handled my truth. He lashed out at me and now thinks everything is rainbows and butterflies. It is not that way, nor will it ever be the way it was again. I am hurt, and honestly, a little bitter about it. I will heal eventually and get over this, but being my dramatic and sensitive self it will be hard. He thinks that the way forgiveness and salvation goes, is that when it happens, everything is forgotten in this world and he is free from the consequences of his actions. My friend, you have a long way to go. Salvation is being saved from going through the repercussions alone and having the right guidance through the future. Anything in the world, for example I am still affected by the ripples of his actions and the repercussions are that we will never be as close again, or will he ever have a chance of dating me. Yes, God and I have forgiven him, but I am not God. God has forgotten it and is now concentrating with him surviving through the consequences, but I haven’t forgotten. I have forgiven, but not forgotten. I can’t forget or else I could go through a lot more pain. I will miss being so close with him, but I know he cannot be such a vital influence in my life anymore. He has a lot of growing to do, and so do I. And involving anything more personal would be dangerous. This has been my week, and I am sure to have more weeks ahead of me with such emotionalness involved since he still has the conception that everything with us hasn’t changed; till keeping’ his head in the sand. It’s not all his fault; I don’t mean to express that at all. I know I have made mistakes which have not helped this situation, but I understand that his choices have destroyed a lot of trust between us, mainly from me. Even though it’s painful to be in the sun, I’m glad I have my head above my neck where it should be. And I am glad that I get the picture that sometimes you just have to let go.