A Change of Seasons

13:

              Well, a lot fades and many things rise at the end of the year. As the sun pokes out (and other blinding things do :P ), drama and inspiration drown out in the noises of school finals. Although, I can say that between fumbling and dreaming with romance, I haven’t taken a day to look at the sun. What’s wrong with love is really just what’s wrong with MY relationships. Love is way better than who or what I have stumbled onto this year. Even as I can say I have learned a lot, there are key things that have made my world into something... much uglier. Those things are and have been coming from trying to terribly search out a “love life”. As of a week ago, I started dropping profanities like pearls of wisdom seeing how mistaken I was. Now writing, there’s so much to say to explain my misfortunes and cruddy decisions and how they have distorted my heart and eyes. But I know there is limited number of pages I can write...or you would be interested in reading ;) I have made decisions and tried my best without basing or knowledge to back it up throughout my relationship with Jumping Bean. I have realized how unfit I am to decide vital paths in a relationship. So, guess who’s going to enjoy her summer without a boy-toy or boy-drama? Me! And I shall recreate my outlook on life and love during these nonsocial weeks. Sounds pretty complicated right? Well, such is life as a teenager; recreating your values and opinions by the minute. I will get passed this pain I caused myself this year and hold onto the good memories. Finishing this year sounds so icky, considering the finals, by I am ready to close the book on so many areas of my life and refresh myself. Readers, this girl has made so many dumb mistakes she could be depressed. You know what though? She is going to cry, drink her old lady tea, pray, get up, and run head first into finding happy, without romance. Unless she can learn to be happy with herself and life, she is not going to jump anybody anytime soon ;) Patience young grasshopper readers, she will be armed to the teeth soon to date!

23:

          I kinda guess my new goal for next year is to start hanging out with other people...the same people I usually hang out with, but some other new people too. With new classes ya know, it’s bound to happen. I just feel like that if I don’t, I’ll go crazy- or something like that. It just feels like some things are getting to me…like how people are sometimes. I myself (and I am willing to admit this) have not been in the best of moods lately. Stress can get to people like that. Add finals on top of your last year to collect data for your senior project (this is my LAST chance), and the fact that the place that I’m staying for this trip is the last time I’ll be staying there...it’s hard to ruin a ten year long tradition. I practically grew up there and it kills a huge part of me to know that I’m never coming back…it’s worse of a feeling than back in March during the fallout…There’s a ton of other stuff but those are my main two.

It also bothers me how people expect you to be a certain way…society, friends, enemies, even your best friend and how they say that they won’t hold you to their standards, but then they go and do it anyway. Let’s not forget the thing with guys- how they have it so easy sometimes. It’s complicated…how you have to pretend that you don’t notice them noticing you. High school, I swear…it’s a battlefield for your heart. Just to get through these four years of hell we practically agree to ourselves to have a certain personality and go along with it. But how do you know if it’s even you? How do you define yourself by some personality that you’ve created and live it out? What if no one likes that costume?  Then that person that we are changes- grows more knowledgeable, more wise. We build stronger barriers between people and our hearts. We come to recognize the way that people work. We can read looks on faces and tones of voice over text. Sometimes we learn this over a long period of time. Maybe I’m over analyzing. Maybe this is something you’d hear thirty years ago. But like Rose and I, we’ve learned our lessons the hard way.

 Lesson 1: Don’t ask questions that you don’t want to hear the answer to.

 Lesson 2: Keep your fences up.

 Lesson 3: Time is everything. Try not to get dates confused.

 Lesson 4:  Never put your happiness in the hands of other people, and finally,

 Lesson 5: Always, always, always remember that if something happens, God will make it help you in the future; to carve out the better you.

Maybe 13 and I will find a great new guy junior year. Who knows? But until then, we shall remember the lessons we have unwillingly learned and the many that we are bound to unwillingly learn in the future. We started the first years post with “Statuses as of now.” Well, our “Statuses as of now” are two girls who are kissing “goodbye to Alice in Wonderland” and embracing the “oddballs” that they are. These two girls will make sure that guys will “love us for us,” no matter what we hold out for, despite all the creepers, the hazy rose colored glasses, “love and other disasters;”  none the less, “fools like us” don’t give up on love…and we’re holding out for the best, and not settling for anything less than everything. Here’s to the half-way point. Here’s to the last post before twelve grueling weeks of vacations, weathering storms (literally in my case), planning for next year, figuring out love, saying goodbye to the things that we hold dear, and prepping the battle ground for junior year.  And even though we’re still learning to walk, let’s go.