Debut

             23,

I came here to rant. Me and only me. 

             I spent these past few weeks lying my ass off like the private little anti-social that I am. Since school started back up, it’s beginning to feel like I’m being pushed into some kind of “no questions off limits” kind of public debut. Six times in the past two weeks people have asked me about ‘us.’ The other day, after several minutes of patience, I honest to goodness had to ask my friend to “mind her own damn business.” I felt awfully bad for saying so, but I had no other option but to be brash. On a different note, I worry that my efforts for privacy will be taken literally and everything will burn away. This, I imagine, is what it feels like to be trapped in a corner.

                 It’s gotten to the point where everyone see’s it, questions are being asked behind your back, and you’re bathing in speculation, halfway enjoy the attention you’ve never received before, and half ay wishing you could pry the eyes off of your back. On the other hand, it’s kind of fun being talked about…in a good way (that’s the first time in my life). This doesn’t mean that I’m not lying about having work so I don’t have to attend a nosy friend’s birthday party. I have the choice to dull the rumors with a “No, we’re just friends.” Or do I throw a smirk onto my face and walk away, leaving everyone with a silent but unconfirmed “maybe.” My friends aren’t doing very good job of asking either. Instead of asking, they just go on ahead and assume that we’re dating. Unfortunately, word of mouth spreads like wildfire. In these past two weeks, I have learned that apparently I’m dating, which is weird, because last time I checked, I was not. All this talk and chatter just ruins what I have. You know, it’s only special when it’s something that only you know about. When strangers start to make generalizations, it takes away from the sentiment of the relationship. I have people whose names I don’t even know, talking to me, asking about our relationship like they were my best friend. And you want to know something else? He asked me to homecoming. He asked me to homecoming and I had to say ‘no, let’s find something else to do’ because I know for a fact that if we did go, I’d end up being harassed on a daily basis, and I can’t handle that kind of attention. All this talk is ruining it- how I see things. If this keeps up, I won’t even be slightly willing to date at all for the remainder of high school. I still love him to death and I appreciate him more than I appreciate my ability to eat five pounds of shrimp, but I can’t handle a public spectacle, not again. I miss summer. I miss having this to myself. I miss privacy. Remember how in a previous post I wrote “There is nothing more interesting to teenagers than who is about to start dating who.” It’s worse. It’s all eyes and all ears at all times. Nothing is more draining than a public debut. 

-23