They're BAAAAAACK!

13:

Jumping Bean strikes again! I thought it was over....like really over. Not like all the other times before where I had more doubt than belief. This time....I really believed the drama, the stress of having to watch my words, the tears of pain for a friend never moving on, was done. I should have caught the warning when we once had a quick conversation; he had basically proclaimed he “forgave me” for my harsh actions, but still believed our broken relationship was all my fault and he wished I had known the truth. I left it at that, being so frustrated by the first part. And we did not breach the subject again. He said this past Sunday, “I’m actually happy you said no.” It surprised me. I was happy for him, relieved for myself, and thanking God. But, not even 2 hours later in the night, he sent me a message; a warning. He was going to give me a, I quote, “letter of pain”. I found that message two days later before youth group. I became pretty anxious. What if it’s a regret letter? What does he expect? Should I take it or refuse it? We talked in person after youth group once I read his letter. I realized how irrevocably similar this note was to his Valentine’s Day one (see “A Post Dedicated to Rose”); a love note desperate for a chance. There was less guilt tripping wrote but basically the same. We sat too long and I didn’t even give him a yes or no answer. I asked him why he gave me this even though he KNEW what I would say. I refused to dish out the pain just because he thought he would learn from it, as he put. In response to his attempt to cause himself pain enough to never make the mistake again (by keep asking), I told him, “I’ll support you in life with what I can, but I won’t give you what I don’t have; the feelings I don’t have.” “God does not intend for you to learn through pain.” “I don’t know how to help you but this is unhealthy. You need to find another way to express yourself, not by writing letters and a question you KNOW the answer to.” “You’re stuck in a no, but there are yes’s in your future. If you keep stuck in a no you could miss out on the opportunities of a yes.” “Find your happiness, even if it’s not with me.” These bits came out in between silent minutes; he never spoke after explaining his purpose. You could have heard a pin drop if it were not for the rain. Tears of course were involved; his out of sadness and mine out of frustration. We’re emotional creatures ;) So....I guess it wasn’t over. Without him knowing, I’ll set boundaries because I don’t want to inflict pain by being close, but not close enough. Being buddies, on what level is a mystery. I won’t be offended or devastated if he decides to set up boundaries either- Because I care more about him as a person than our relationship. Well ladies, looks like the stress isn’t over yet. Love is not this hard. Life is not intended to be this painful. God hasn’t planned our paths of learning or getting to love to be so sticky and painful. That’s what I believe. Looks like this isn’t the relationship for me! (Don’t worry; I knew those months before).

23: So many things in life take patience. I say this as I sit in the traffic jam that’s been moving along at ten miles per hours (that’s about fifteen kilometers per hour for our international readers) for the past five miles and for what looks to be another fifteen miles ahead. It’s not that bad though, after all, there is a gorgeous thunderstorm over head. I can’t even tell you how many lighting strikes I’ve seen in the past thirty minutes. That’s the only great part about this stinking traffic jam…that I decided I’d be stuck here long enough to come up with something for a post…Should I be on my laptop in the middle of a thunder storm? I should know this…

                Anyhow, here my weekly notion of love and how it can people up a wall:

                Like my counterpart, the past does tend to rear its ugly head every once in a while, but just like a game of whack-a-mole, I shove it back into the depths of my mind and repeat the process until I’ve knocked the mole unconscious for several days…I haven’t quite gotten to the point of rodent killing poison- though I might feel less guilty about it if I use it on the moles that insist on me finding a boyfriend. I’m still happy as a pickle, acting and training myself to be oblivious to certain persons. ;) It seems that these few past week have old times popping back up…not like we appreciate the reminder of our more desolate days. Isn’t it funny sometimes how the past likes to rear its ugly head when you least need it?   

                So in order to keep life manageable I shall do what I need to do: Study, work up 200 dollars for the research trip (so excited!), and buy eight billion birthday present because all of my buddies’ birthday seem to be in June…

So here’s to the past: