Monday, July 22, 2013

We Have No Clue What To Title This...

13,                

               Love makes you value yourself. You value the opinion of others naturally, and when one person takes the time to say how wonderful you are or describe why they like holding your hand so much, you start to open that dirty window that overlooks the backyard. You choose to sit down at the edge of it and value the view, see what you’ve grown over the years in that hidden garden behind your house. Let me set a picture for you. You have built a house that everyone on the street sees. It’s a perspective you’re comfortable with them seeing. Then, someone comes along that you allow inside by some crazy notion. They see the rusting sinks and frayed rugs on the floor, among the chandeliers you tried so hard to hang and the dustless countertops you religiously wiped. Even with those flaws among the sparkle, they consider the whole house a home they could live with. You come to find out any home is an imperfect comfort. Society is who gives the impression that a house has to be pristine and swiped with clean fashion. That is such a lie. When you find someone to share homes with, they also have those rotting walls or barely shackled roofs. Those things fade to background though when we discover people’s gardens. The multiple plants of kindness, grace, and humor are sweetly spread and outcast the structure rested beside it. Love makes one look at the beauty past the walls. It gives an opportunity for anyone’s dirty window to be used and you to enjoy lilies from their window, or vice versa. In one instance, they might point out your window some flowers you never saw before, and maybe it’ll be your first time looking, having been so distracted reroofing and painting the house for guests. So, love makes you value yourself, and you come to enjoy what you didn’t know about yourself. I hope everyone of you experience that joy, even if you cough a little on the dust, because it’s worth holding hands with a partner and looking at what you’ve become. And the only thing better than that is giving the same service in return; holding them while pointing out their own beauty.

                Big lesson, choose someone who makes you a better person, and highlights your beauty. Choose a dude who could poop at your cool (I can’t stop laughing help it’s not even that funny). No I’m not high. This has very high importance though. READ IT AGAIN. Choose a guy who puts you on a pedestal. No, that doesn’t mean they have to be stalking you. It means they think about you just as much as you think about Gosling’s bum (insert Scarlet Johannsen if you’re a guy). Whether you think you’re made of Adam’s ribs or blown up stars, you are worth meaning the world to someone. Don’t settle with someone’s who’s “into” you. Settle with a human being who can see your intricacy and still want morning breath kisses from you (eww or aww; I can’t decide). I could say so much more on this subject, but I think I covered the basics. Go out into the world, ready to be real with yourself and open to good people. Don’t get scared to reveal your flaws, because the other person is just as scared that you’re too perfect for them.


   - 13



23,

             I’d just like to take this moment to clarify that I’m writing this while sprawled out on my bed, spacing out at the television in ten minute intervals, and slowly cursing my laptop, being that it’s old, slow, and I’ll type a whole sentence before it transfers to the actual document. Now that July is almost over, I’m re-entering that state of mind where any aspect of my personal life is my business only. After all, I am entitled to my privacy. So, just assume that any lesson that I throw out on this blog has nothing to do with my personal life, but rather, it hit me as a random epiphany in the middle of the night- speaking of which, I have experienced none in the past weeks. I did at one point, after listening to friend after friend complain about their “relationships” or past “relationships,” that I thought to myself, “You know, after a given amount of time, if you’re still complaining about someone, then they aren’t the problem, but you are.” I only thought this because, so help me, if I have to hear one more “poor me, pity me” story about how some hormonal, delusional, indecisive, moody teenage girl didn’t find her “happy ending” with “the man of her dreams” in high school, I will literally murder my social life. And as if I have good advice for that kind of thing. I’m happier than a sunflower in Kansas. Nothing is wrong right now.
                I guess, since I just got a head start, I can rant about dating fantasies? Maybe? I should have worked on this earlier…
                You know what bothers me more than the girls who go around complaining about every failure in their love lives? I just can’t stand that real cutesy, romantic stuff…where the guy is always buying flowers, and chocolate, and crap like that. It just never comes off as a real relationship. It rubs off on me as if it’s all some kind of show…especially in high school. Seriously, if any guy ever uses any kind of cheesy, romantic crap with me, I will leave his ass faster than a meal from Taco Bell. Girls our age are always looking to make a spectacle; in one way or another. I guess, in a way, 13 and I have too. We started this blog. I doubt a bunch of people from school read it, but it’s fun to think that people do. And 13 and I aren’t like super popular or anything. In a way, we’re both kind of rejects; Me more so. I never really felt like I was another piece of the puzzle anywhere. Then, after so many years of having maybe two friends total, I find this person; just one person, and all of the sudden, I feel as if I found my place. I’ve done enough research for this blog, and through past, horrific experience, to learn that when someone likes you, they look past every fault. It’s like an invisibility cloak for your personality…until they learn that you are an avid snorter when you laugh. When you find someone who finds your snorting a plus in the personality column, I guess it’s a really good thing.

                I’m not sure what you’d call this post, but at least I wrote something. Until next weekend!
                                -23

Sunday, July 14, 2013

A Benign Pie


Welp, you can say goodbye to Jensen Ackles. We talked it over and decided life is too crazy to date now. The "FRINGE" phase has come to a close. I could be gone to a foreign country in the next year or two and he could be continuing his education someplace out of Washington. I’d like to say we’d be willing to handle the distance and further whatever we have, but we’re not in love. We could certainly live without eachother. The expectations of “relationship” seems too high on either end too. We’re both pretty serious daters (what was that I said about casually dating? Yah, can’t do it!!) and do not want to limit eachother. We’ve had a wonderful few months together, and that certainly won’t end, but there’s no wow factor. There’s no romantic glue holding us together. Friendship was agreed to and it kinda made me release a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Sure, the excitement and discovery was great, but there’s no saying I can’t get that through friendship with him. The label of “dating” only gave me pressure to be ‘normal’ and we both felt it. From the time we left our 5th date, we both agreed to be honest and accept eachother’s weirdness. Like I said in the last post, I did not feel like I could be relaxed around him. I didn’t get an easy vibe when we hung out except when we were deep in intellectual conversation. He has really nice qualities and I wouldn’t trade his brain out for a sense of humor, but there were things I know couldn’t be learned that I wanted my boyfriend to be. He will probably fit perfectly with someone similar to me, but something’s just not fitting with us.....I’m still unparticular about what it is, but at least I know the conclusion. I was pretty devastated, never thinking I could be the “breaker”, but I later settled into a sense of pride and gladness that I broke it off when I got a gut feeling. Lesson from the experience, trust your gut. I was starting to sympathize more than affectionize when I had to answer him for a date. Even if it seems rediculous, if you just wait, you’ll start to notice what your gut is talking about and things will go better than if you didn’t.
Even though I was shaking the entire time, the break-up didn’t go that bad. We met in the middle with positive feedback and quite a lot of hand holding I might add! We were both so nervous I held tightly to his hands over the table and kept eye contact. I truly believe the eyes are the windows to your soul, so it gave me an edge to telling where to steer the conversation and whether to give him a moment to speak. To be completely honest, I thought I would either cry or make him cry. I didn’t know what would happen. It was worth it though. We still held hands till he took me to my car. I fiddled with my keys and took a big breath. Before I could say goodbye he blurted out, “Hey, even though I don’t love you, I still love you. I love that, yes, that smile and your caring hands. That probably sounds weird....you never ceased to take care of my *he laughs* “squishy muscle”, as you put it, and...I don’t know just come here *hugs* Now don’t tell any of the girls at work about this; I’m supposed to be the ‘ruggedly handsome but unapproachable guy’ remember?”. I then proceeded to die from his smirk and hugged him again, but tighter. I thanked him a million times over for being so understanding and he could only smile ^^ Bleehhh I’m getting all squirmy and giggly just thinking about this! So, it ended well (okay it went fantastic don’t give me that look) and I guess I picked a pretty good guy didn’t I?!! But just not the one for me....which was a bittersweet moment to experience and hurt like hell. The pros to my decision are over reaching though. We have the freedom to really get to know eachother without a label pressuring us to be closer. I was never more thankful for my grandma, God, and decision skills to get to that point. I can call him any time and expect an honest answer whether he wants to hang out, and he can expect the same from me. We can be as weird as we want and know the friendship is permanent, versus worry that we don’t fit the “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” list. 
I can settle with what I have. I am so thankful for who has decided to stay in my life. I am trying my best not to be selfish and be aware that life will take us apart eventually and I gotta take advantage of what time we have. We can fight against the tides, or protect ourselves and roll with it easily. Don’t misunderstand, I still say screw you destiny I’ll make my own, but if my life and his is going to be so unstable, then we really shouldn’t jump into something that takes steady lifestyles. It’s a hard situation and a disapointing outcome, believe me. I have inwardly cried and kicked enough for both of us, but I will settle down into this friendship. I won’t give up on the all big endeavor to find a boyfriend just because this didn’t work out either. There will definitely be more stories to tell and laughs to be had about my embarrasing situations. (Oh do I have some involving Jensen Ackles stories) I’ll leave you tonight with a simple thought that should make you smile.

Serious relationships are like pie. Not everyone enjoys them. They’re messy to eat, and they’re full of sugar you don’t need. And sometimes they take a long time to bake. Still, they have a value that’s irreplaceable. They make you smile and sometimes even giggle. They give you moments of bliss, and maybe there’s sour spots with your slice, but that just gives the pie its unique character. Pie is a combination of ingrediants and there’s more recipes than you can count, but not just one is perfect. Each one has flaws and stems or leaves that you forgot to take out, but you’ll like it anyways. You take each slice with a dollup of patience. And even if it gets on your shirt, you’ll forgive it because its a once in a while thing you don’t get to have very often. It may even get unhealthy to eat at one point, but you’ll still eat it because you’re craving what it first felt like on your tongue when you bit into the first fork-full. It will never be like that first experience though. Sometimes, you’re just going to have to leave the plate empty to respect yourself and the memory. And sometimes, you’ll decide to excercise enough so you can have it once again, but this time choose a different filling that doesn’t have so many calories. It will take effort to change your taste, but you’ll get used to it like any other food. It can be special like its pedecessor if you let it be. And in any way you experience it, pie is pie. Pie can’t betray you, only the cook. The cooks are who are responsible. Just one pie doesn’t define the rest still, and you have the right dislike it as a whole. Maybe you like cake. That’s okay. It exists around you though and if you’re like most of the population, you’ll crave it. That’s also okay. You are meant to enjoy it. At one point in your life, you’ll deal with it and you’ll have the right to choose seconds, refuse any at all, or just push it over to someone else who’d enjoy it more. Serious relationships are like pie, and you have choices to make while their in the oven or not invest in them at all. You can either take chances with it or never get better at making them. It’s an art that no one’s mastered, except maybe the old grandmas. Their a treat to be had. No one should go without trying.
I have no idea how to end this so I’ll just stop the flow with saying I’m wondering if any of you will be as hungry for pie as I am right now once you read this :P Goodbye for now ladies! I hope you get some pie this week or something sweet to enjoy your summer :3 Wear that sunscreen too! Bye!!

                                                                              - 13

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Rattled

13:
Dear ladies,

I’m here today coming to you with a mixed connotation on guys, boys, men; whatever you want to call them! In my humble opinion, some are pigs and some are sweets, and unfortunately for us they’re just placed in the wrong bodies. I have met some frankly beautiful guys, but they’ve been rotten. I have also met some kind, amazing hearted guys who’ve gotten the short stick in physique. I just wish what you are on the inside reflected on the outside just as much as bad oral hygiene shows. I am getting to a point where I don’t care if someone has buck teeth or one less limb (unless it’s you know what because that may become a problem). If they have a heart for God and a well-rounded personality then come here and let me give you a talk; we’re going on a date. No I didn’t need your answer, here’s my address.
I am fed up with disappointments and bummers like when an attractive male came up to me and after I gave him a look and gave me the lip between the fingers sign (someone tell me what that’s actually called). THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME. I was just shocked. Then I was angry, but couldn’t punch the guy in the face like you and I wanted to because he had already gone around a corner in Seattle. Ugugaahshkhdsdgjhsaghrgg this world sucks when it comes to having good flavors of men! It’s like the ice cream choices at my Chinese restaurant! I get so upset because THEY ONLY HAVE GREEN TEA. Who even eats green tea ice cream??!!!! Them??!!?? Well guess what? You have American customers to! And they don’t just want your flippin’ special soft serve! Give me some real flavor please *destroys Hong Kong*

            Okay, I am calm. Maybe you’re wondering why I am complaining when I am very well off with the man I’m dating. Well, he’s not...say fun. I have to teach him how to have fun. He takes life too seriously. He’s certainly not like the guy at 7/11 that I mentioned earlier, but I won’t settle for less than what I need. I really like him as a companion who I can have down to earth conversations with. We can talk about art and music all day, but what’s really going to “keep my warm at night”, as Shania Twain put it, is a guy who can make me laugh and keep my mood up. I love serious talks, but I cannot live without some humor in my life. He’s just bringing me down :( I like his attempts at humor, it even makes me giggle, but oh my goodness, if I wasn’t a nice person I would have already called him out on his poor abilities. He’s someone I can’t be completely normal with either, so that means it’s time to move on from considering him a possible “mate” or whatever you call it. Ladies, don’t settle for less. Certainly be thankful for who you have in your life. But if you have a choice, pick someone you know you can live with. What characteristics will carry you through your highs and lows? This is the kind of stuff I had to consider while in relationship with him, and you know what, it didn’t narrow my mind, it made me happier. I thought it would be so selfish of me to judge the guy I date by those standards, but it actually brought me to good conclusions and didn’t let me be anchored by sympathy for his feelings that may be stronger than mine. I chose what was good for me. I haven’t done that in a while so it felt pretty good :)
But to wrap this up, I will probably break it off with Jensen Ackles. Although, who’s to say we won’t still be friends? He’s an invaluable art exhibit buddy and I hope he finds that in me too. We can enjoy silence and different perspectives. It is part of what I look for in anyone! He fits the bill fortunately for someone tolerable, so I hope he takes my hand of friendship! And to touch on the Godzilla moment, yeah, I don’t know how eager I am to date someone right after this. I met two guys recently who fit the bill but are way too young for my taste. The others I know that are my age are plain jerks. So, 13 may be single once again for a while. Not to say that that hasn’t got its perks, but I am also giving you the hint I am heaving a big sigh of exasperation right about now.

            Off on new adventures hopefully and attractive males to come my way,
                        -13





23:
           
           So, story goes that my brother, who has always helped me with my research, just dropped out of the trip out to the great divide. Thing is, this means I can bring a friend, but I require them to know the most basic information about storm spotting. Guess which is the only friend that qualifies? 
Good ole' fringe. 
Guess who has the same days free as my trip? 
Good ole' fringe. 
Guess whose parents trust and like me enough to permit him to be my chase partner? 
Good ole' fringe.

            So I'm excited I've found a great friend to take with me, however, I worry that the underlying issue will get in the way. By the grace of God my parents are, of course, going to be around 24/7 so I don't have to worry about any awkward conversations. And with my predicament, I really have no other options. 
So I started imagining what the trip would be like day by day. I was perfectly okay. Then I, as expected, over analyzed the situation and started asking myself stupid questions like 'who are they sitting by when we eat out? By me, or by my father?' and 'what was I thinking?' and 'what about the sleeping arrangements?' 

            Basically, I'm just now realizing that this whole 'meet the parents' thing is paralyzing. I'm indifferent to my mother's opinion. From what I can tell, she doesn't care as long as I get a ring and she gets grandchildren. I worry most about what my father thinks. I care very, very much about my father's opinion. I'm still on the side of the table that doesn't necessarily feel the need to make anything official, so I feel like I'm showing off a rental car: pointless unless you choose to go buy the car. And like the car buying process in my family, my papa does the negotiations. As a very conscious worry wart, I care ever so much about what people think of my friends, job, person, relationships...I want so desperately for people to approve of the choices I make. I want to be seen as a good decision maker. I'm starting to feel as if I'm trying to find a part of myself instead of trying find an answer to a yes or no question: Does he go, or does he stay?
             I have to ask myself if I'm willing to merge a span of time in my life with a span of time in his. And not just this trip, but for future consideration;  Is it worth the heart break? I typically think it is in cases where both parties were content when unaccounted for circumstances shoved their foot in the door; school, travel, moving, etc. Unfortunately, all of the previously listed apply to me and my...well; we have a word for the situation, but not the people taking place in the situation. I'll say taco. So, Taco. Yup. My maybe future partner is now referred to as Taco...making quite a dent here guys. I can't even.

            I stopped being linguistic and meaningful at 'taco.' *deep breaths*

            Okay...

            And the saddest part is that I'll hardly get to see them senior year (starts this September). They're off doing college full time and my best friend in the entire world *cough cough* 13 *cough cough* is off at a different school half the time. My two best friends; Gone like that. I guess maybe God is preparing me for my departure to the Great Plains. I don't know. Everything happens for a reason and God knows best. Maybe a lack of a social life is what'll focus me on that 3.5 I've been shooting for.
I had a gut feeling that this anxiety was more than just a trip. I just figured out my life at 4:30 in the morning.

            Wow, I just farted my personal life everywhere. Yeah, I said 'farted' because my personal life stinks. Yay teenagerdom. 

            Last thing: So I wrote the above on Monday and since then everything has been all taken care of and I panicked for nothing. We spent Independence Day together, and hung out some more today. All is well. I’m happy as a clam…for now. I’m still horribly disappointed that my besties are leaving me in a couple of months, but myself destructive logic is “if this is going to hurt, it better damn well hurt like hell.” So if I walk into school in September and I seem unusually quiet and depressed, it’s because the best summer of my life came to an end and I feel like a stranger in High School again. Okay, I’m going to go off and worsen my outcome. Until next week! No! Wait! I won’t be here next week. Until the week after next week! Buh-Bye!

            -23