Friday, March 30, 2012

Fools Like Us

13:

I want that kind of love.....and as I’m longingly looking for it, I’m throwing my squishy red muscle around. And those boys don’t even know it! *shakes head* It’s stupid and I know; a fool. Plus, I’m not the kind of person to care how odd it may seem to allow your heart to be held by an unattractive man *ahem* excuse me; BOY. It’s at least being held...so I’m open to more hurt. I’m not just admitting the “super” attractive guys. Have I really gotten that dumb to throw my heart at any glimpse of faithfulness? I feel like I’m shooting at a blind target and I haven’t been told how to maze through the labyrinth we call love.  Although looking for a face you haven’t seen before sounds stupid, I won’t give up. I can’t. I sound like Gigi from “He’s Just Not That Into You”, but, I think she’s right. People are so reserved and locked up. It’s “safe” that way, but it has its unsatisfying outcomes too. "You may not get hurt or make a fluff of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either", as that persevering psycho girl says (but persevering nonetheless). Romantic love is one of the hardest habits to achieve between two people and the best you’ll receive. Romantic love is individual (like a jewel) and earned. People wonder why they can’t find that hearts’ desire of a loving romantic relationship in a club, at a porn convention, in a bedroom, etc!!! Love is found where love is planted. In this world the locations are diminishing. Finding the garden is frickin’ hard. I know this from an inside view. I know it sucks. I feel it at this very moment. To get to that opportunity to love that special someone will take work. You may have to go through things you may not find pleasant either. I’m not saying you have to go through hell to get to that lovely garden, but you do have to come out of your little box of comfort. It’s hard (Oh do I know). I am trying to figure out the balance right now, as I write, of how much to take a chance and what amount of guarding of my heart is too much. A few steps into the water and getting bitten isn’t a guarantee, but nor is it a phenomenon. It’s confusing just writing about it, but isn’t that supposedly the beauty of it? Is it not a bottomless pit of wonder, hope, and hysterics from both emotional extremes? I won’t have great success as soon as I step outdoors, and at the same time, I won’t have danger lurking behind the picket fence whenever I walk out. It’s messy and lovely and stressful and is meant for so much more than what it is mostly labeled as. Our world is ugly, so we have to go through more than what was intended to get to love. But I think it’s worth it. Getting through the mucky teenage hormonal heartbreaks has taught me some things and not just scarred me.
Well, revitalized from the barracks and ready to go back into the field, Rose signs out. With as much insecure vigor she can collect from within herself (knowing inside she’ll come back to you with a heartache worth the time later, but also, knowing it won’t be the end to her crazy lovely life), she gets out of this comfy bed to face the world, the boy world, and every world in between *salute*
P.S. - I do realize this is kind of bipolar compared to my last write to you. I’m at a dilemma and hormonal state, so don’t mind it. Decisions will be made as to whether life will happen or not (and by life I do mean more boy business ;) )





23:         

Have you ever noticed that as the time draws closer and closer for you to make a serious change, you begin to real back on your decision? Well, it happens to everybody and it sure is happening to me. Up until the past several days, I hadn’t even given the guy I liked a thought- At least not without stopping myself. Yet somehow, by some unfathomable force of nature, he slipped into my mind. So there I went, tripping over myself and sliding around in my decisions. Numerous “so what’s?” and “what does it matter’s?” flew around in my head. At the same time I was telling myself to ignore such thoughts and stick to my new plan. “No 23,” I said to myself, “You won’t go through this again. Don’t.”
Alright, so now the whole world knows the confusion that cycles around my head. So, all in all, I’m lost as I’ll get out. Love is not easy to find your way through. Especially at our young age. It’s like those complex highway systems that you see every now and then where you have eight different highways crossing over one another in a crisscross fashion. There are no how “to’s” for these highway systems. It’s just “Here’s your exit number. Good luck!” You have to sort your way through it on your own. If you happen to be good at this kind of thing, you’ll make it through unscathed and A-OK. But others, such as Rose and I, will have to try it over and over again. We’ll take the wrong exit and end up on some road that we don’t want to head down- a road that takes us in the exact opposite direction than where we really want to go. Along this road that we get lost on, we try to figure out where we are and what we need to do. Well, there are some things that I’d like to figure out; some things that I don’t understand- the truth. It’s not me you like. It’s not you I’d like to have anymore. So, can you just please stop looking me in the eye and smiling? Please, can you not do that to me? Every time you do this, for those short moments, I’m right back to where I started from- just as I was starting to ignore you. Let’s face it- when it comes to liking you, I can’t have what I wanted. Why did you come here if you weren’t invited? You were on the outside, so stay on the outside. I didn’t come this far for you to make this so complicated for me. Whatever progress I made, everything I’ve been doing- I must be doing something wrong because I’m missing you. I can’t comprehend this muddle and mess. It’s left my mind in such disarray that I can’t even see straight anymore. Why do we so carelessly sacrifice our hearts to love when we know it will never last? Why do we only want what we can’t have? Does the idea of a challenge to overcome attract us? Why do we go after something so…impossible? People ask me how they allowed love to enter into their lives. My answer: How does your heart beat? Why do you breathe? Loves just happens naturally. There are no choices. It just happens.





Saturday, March 24, 2012

Stead Fast and Unwavering

13: 

The bad part of being hyped up on CAFFEINE after 11 is that you go on random tyrants in the middle of your poster report work and it’s only between you -and you- I do get my work done but the repercussions are a little nutty! And a little philosophically romantiqueeee relationship focused too :) wrote this post high on drugs so enjoy ;)

P.S. - Don’t be spreading around I get high before talking about relationships. Caffeine is an accepted drug in America :P

 Most guys are insecure. Can there be any denying from both sides? They will lie to fit to a girl’s standards; to get an inside (I’m not saying all do, but a lot). The test is time though. They can’t keep up a facade or one aspect of themselves hidden for long. Girls will see it eventually. Why not try NOT hiding it from us. And if it’s THAT bad that you don’t want to show us, why are you even trying to date a girl who obviously is looking for someone that doesn’t want that characteristic? Changing yourself for a girl (or a guy to you ladies) doesn’t get you anywhere if it’s to impress her. It will nip you in the butt in the worst moment. You’re not playing fair to yourself or that other person. Want to punish yourself? Go down that self-demeaning road. Much of the girl population is intuitive (except for the desperate ones) to the fact that there are some pertinent details they must know before dating a guy. (1) They should know they don’t have to be concerned he’ll want to get in her pants right away, (2) he’ll have to be honest, (3) and he should have security in himself. Otherwise, what is there to date? A testosterone capsule! Doesn’t that sound hard though? To go through a list like that and hopefully come up with a candidate if maybe there is one in the field of sports team hats and baggy shirts (that look like nightgowns)? There’s no doubt it takes work to find a fitting boy, but, i started thinking (oh no right?). If we want boys of substance, sometimes we just got to wait till they’re not boys anymore. And ladies, don’t get me wrong; I know it sucks to wait, but hello! We have to go through so much gunk and muck to find a good guy in high school or even college! Drama, immaturity, self-image tests, responsibility that we didn’t know we needed when we date; the list goes on. Do we really have to go through that much? Date a number of guys before you can find a prospectable one? Don’t we want to be a beautiful flower by the time we find that right guy? Is it really worth having the “experience” of dating in a place and time that’s almost guaranteed of causing sore scars; some petals to fall down? (so many questions!!) I am surely not going to lock myself up from boys or taking chances, but, guarding my heart sounds so much smarter right now rather than flinging it out there. Maybe I’m saying this because I’m bias at the moment, because I found out a guy lied to me about his standards, but I think it’s high time i stop throwing my gushy bloody muscle around and start thinking about beautifying it for when I can take it out and hand it over without all this teenage yuck going on. I have a lot of life ahead of me. Maybe dating in high school isn’t so required....but it sure takes out the chance for my life to be rated R. No bloody violence :’( It’s something some of us can’t deny of liking (the drama! :D), but we know it’s ickying to our minds and hearts more than it is entertaining. Why don’t we listen to our uptight grandmothers more?


23:

“Fe, you’re getting a boyfriend this week.” My friend threw this in my face outside of geometry class this past Monday.

“Whaaaaaaaaat?!”

“Yes, Fe, you are getting asked out this week. You deserve it.”

Can you imagine the utter shock and surprise on my face at that very moment? I wasn’t sure if I should laugh it off or if I should be taking her seriously. How do you react to this? What do you say? What do you do? When this conversation came about I just stood there, awkwardly frozen in one spot, questions buzzing around my head like an angry bee.

I sputtered my words in a failed attempt to form a sentence that made sense.

“23, you’ve been single all your life. I’m going to help you out of this slump.” My friend was giving a terrible attempt to help me after last week.

“Who said I was in a slump? I’m doing fine. I’m great, I really am.”

“23, I read the blog.” 

Okay, I do admit that life has not been easy lately. Since February, I’ve been a little bit…frazzled. Even more so, in the month of March, now come and almost gone. However, I was able to get my mind to focus on school and my research trip this summer. The great thing is that now, without the haze of liking someone clouding my mind, I can focus ONLY on the important matters of life. I found that I was WAY more excited about Stormy Weather 2012 than I originally thought- or maybe the suns just getting to me.
          Anyhow, after my conversation with my friend, I began to analyze the situation. Along with two of my other friends pestering me about never having never had a boyfriend or having never been asked out, I criticized myself about it too. It really got me to thinking- the thought of having a boyfriend makes me very…uneasy and miserable. The idea of having to spend time with someone who loves me more than I could possibly ever love them seemed a bit incarcerating. I don’t want to be tied down to this place. I don’t wish to keep my roots in Seattle. I’d don’t want someone who wants to and tries to keep me here. Call me distant, call me crazy, call me strange- but it’s true and it’s coming from a place in my mind that I didn’t even know was there.
This brings me to another point. Why must it be this way? Is that just how society works these days? To be sixteen and have never had a boyfriend, let alone been asked out is actually considered sad and pathetic? Have we really stooped to this level? On Monday I was talking with some friends of mine. They said that they wanted to ask a guy out, to be in a relationship, just because they felt like it; just because they were in the mood for it. Tell me- what on this fine planet of ours is up with that?
This is why there are so many failed relationships out there in modern days. People leave because they get tired of one another; because the ‘love’ fades. Dating is more of a sport nowadays. It’s not taken seriously. Dating used to be so that one may find their eternal partner- not because they just felt like having a boyfriend.
So maybe I’m still single because my bar is raised so high. Maybe I’m still single because I insist upon manners. In all honesty, I’d probably no sooner bust a cap in my guy’s ass if he were to not hold a door open for me, than I would jump on the chance to leave this baron wasteland known as Washington State if I were given the chance. You know, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m A-OK with being on my own. It doesn’t bother me that I’ve never been asked out or never had a boyfriend. All I need is God, a good friend, and the road to fulfill my happiness. I’m happy with just those three things.
So here is my final declaration before I leave for Phoenix, before I completely turn things around, before I completely let the guy I liked go- when it all comes down, the only voices I listen to are mine and God’s- that is the only thing they sways me in life. So there you have it folks. The Declaration of the Drifter. It’s short; it’s sweet; and its truth. So what if I’m a sick and twisted drifter that’s addicted to being on her own? Call me esoteric,but that’s just me. That's what makes me special. That's what makes me and Rose special- we are stead fast and unwavering in our values.Love it or leave it.


Sunday, March 4, 2012

Love Me for Me

Every guy we meet thinks that they are perfect for us. The one that thinks he is funny as heck- when he isn’t. The one who thinks that thinks we have a future- but we don’t. The guy that thinks he is bad to the bone- but he is SO wrong, and the cheap date who “forgets his wallet” (like we’ve ever been asked out on a date. Pfft…” Can you see us rolling our eyes right now? These guys can’t see that our bars are raised high and we feel that we must hit every check point on our “must have’s” list.  So lucky for everyone reading (and thank you so much for doing so), we have below a check list of what we would LOVE to find in a guy.
 

~ Christian (big time, like...total Jesus freak)
~ Polite
~ Doesn't pressure us into doing something that we don't want to do
~ No drugs, alcohol, porn or sex
~ Loves himself
~ Gets along with our family and friends
~ Loves his family
~ Respects personal space
~ Talkative
~ NOT clingy
~ Dresses in a respectable manor
~ NO BAGGY PANTS!!!
~ Must feel safe with him
~ Thinks
~ Makes us better people
~ Doesn’t mind acting silly/makes me laugh
~ Takes relationship the same way i do (friendship - best friends - dating)
~ Loves us for us

When we say that we had our bars raised high we were not exaggerating. Friends and followers, if you know a guy that hits about 80% of these points, we would love to meet them- seriously, you would be doing us a huge favor (seeing as we obviously can’t find one of these on our own). Consider this a challenge. 

          So the other night, 13 and I assessed our situation while watching He’s Just Not That Into You. There was this quote- “All my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That’s the exception, and we're not the exception we're the rule.” Does that make sense or what?
                Alas, we shall sit tight and hold onto our seat while waiting for the perfect guy to come along, make the right moves and make us feel like we are the only girls in the world that matter.  We need them to love us enough so that when we leave or when they leave that they spend the rest of their lives pining for us and die miserable and alone because they know inside that we were the only person for them. Is that so much to ask? Is that over kill?
                Either way, we will someday, somehow find someone out there for us- or God will. God does all the dirty work for us. Which brings us to another point- Think of God as our matchmaker or our dating service. He will find us the right guy and all we have to do stay aware. So we shall now leave you. Have a great week!